ST MARY’S INSTITUTE OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH INCIDENT REPORT
Competition entry by Jenna Bellis
Filed by: Dr Arabella Finch, Assistant Historian (Currently Denied Access to Catering)
Department: Seventeenth-Century Political Misjudgements
Jump Reference: SM-1666-London-Preliminary Observation
Accompanying Personnel: Mr Daniel Reeves (Technical), one emergency beacon (temperamental), one watermelon (unapproved)
Objective
To conduct discreet observational research into the movements of Samuel Pepys in early September 1666, with particular attention to his domestic routine and recorded anxieties prior to the Great Fire of London.
I would like to note for the record that I specifically requested a jump without livestock, civil unrest, or experimental produce following the Constantinople Apricot Clarification Hearing.
Summary
The jump began as routine.
It did not remain so.
This was not my fault.
Chronology of Events
07:14 – Successful insertion into a narrow London street. Timber-framed buildings. Dry weather. Strong smell of ale and impending poor decisions.
07:22 – Visual confirmation of Samuel Pepys exiting his residence. He appeared composed, brisk, and entirely unaware that history was sharpening itself nearby.
07:27 – I became aware that Mr Reeves had brought a watermelon.
When asked why, he replied that it had been reduced in price and “seemed sensible.”
There is nothing sensible about tropical fruit in Restoration London.
07:31 – Minor complication.
The cobbles were uneven. I dislike cobbles. This is not relevant to the official record, but it is emotionally relevant.
07:34 – The watermelon escaped.
There is no other word for it.
It slipped from Mr Reeves’ grasp and began rolling downhill with purpose.
07:35 – The watermelon collided with a bread cart.
The bread cart overturned.
The baker shouted.
Pepys turned.
Several loaves entered the air.
07:36 – Crowd formation began at speed.
The watermelon split on impact with a horse trough, releasing an alarming quantity of bright red pulp.
A woman gasped.
A man shouted “Plague.”
Another shouted “French interference.”
No French people were visible, but this did not deter him.
07:38 – Pepys began narrating the event aloud, presumably for future diary inclusion. I cannot overstate how unhelpful it is to be historically documented while ankle-deep in fruit.
07:41 – Attempted de-escalation.
I described the situation as “a minor fruit-related misunderstanding.”
Mr Reeves, attempting assistance, shouted:
“This was not my fault.”
He was standing inside the fruit at the time.
07:44 – Environmental shift detected.
Smoke visible several streets away.
I wish to make this unequivocally clear:
The Great Fire of London was not caused by a watermelon.
The timing was unfortunate. That is all.
07:46 – Crowd psychology pivoted impressively from “spilled produce” to “foreign fruit sorcery.”
Pepys regarded us with increasing suspicion and what I can only describe as diaristic delight.
07:48 – Mr Reeves activated the field recorder.
Instead of recording, it emitted a low hum and projected a brief blue pulse. This is the same calibration fault referenced in Technical Memo 14B, which I personally forwarded with the subject line: “Please Fix Before We Summon Something.”
The crowd responded poorly to the blue pulse.
07:49 – Someone struck Mr Reeves with a baguette.
07:50 – The baker declared the watermelon an instrument of Parliament.
07:51 – A child attempted to confiscate the emergency beacon, calling it “a devil’s lantern.”
07:53 – Smoke thickening.
Pepys shouted instructions about burying valuables. I am not convinced this was related to us, but our presence was not improving matters.
07:55 – Escalation from “public nuisance” to “structural hysteria.”
A stray ember drifted down and landed briefly in the remains of the watermelon rind.
The rind ignited for approximately three seconds.
Three.
Seconds.
It self-extinguished immediately.
Unfortunately, five witnesses interpreted this as confirmation of infernal agriculture.
08:00 – Someone shouted “Devil’s gourd!”
08:01 – A goose became involved.
I do not know how or why, but it contributed meaningfully to panic.
08:03 – Pepys approached and demanded to know whether we had “brought the future with us.”
This was an alarmingly perceptive observation and not one I was prepared to answer while slipping on fruit pulp.
08:04 – Mr Reeves attempted reassurance by saying, “It’s only fruit.”
This did not calm the mob.
08:05 – I initiated strategic withdrawal toward recall coordinates while avoiding the goose and two increasingly animated bakers.
08:07 – A shoe was thrown. It was not mine.
08:08 – Emergency recall manually activated.
08:09 – Extraction successful.
Mr Reeves arrived missing his hat and carrying fragments of rind embedded in his sleeve.
Aftermath
Preliminary review confirms the following:
• The Great Fire began in Pudding Lane as previously documented.
• There is no recognised academic reference to weaponised melons.
• Pepys’ diary entry for the day contains a brief but concerning reference to “foreign persons and unnatural fruit.”
I maintain that this is circumstantial.
Recommendations
1. Catering to implement a strict No Field Fruit policy.
2. Technical to address beacon glow issue before it is mistaken for sorcery again.
3. Mr Reeves to attend the “Object Retention on Inclines” workshop.
4. Institute to acknowledge that I specifically requested a jump without produce.
Conclusion
Primary objective achieved: Pepys observed.
Timeline preserved within acceptable St Mary’s tolerances.
Urban fire unrelated to our actions.
I repeat, calmly and with paperwork to support me:
This was not my fault.
Respectfully submitted,
Dr Arabella Finch
Assistant Historian
St Mary’s Institute of Historical Research
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