5. ST MARY’S INSTITUTE OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH INCIDENT REPORT
Competition entry by Grace Blair
St. Mary’s Institute of Historical Research
Department of Containment & Temporal Rectification the Port Royal Complication
Filed: 3 March 2026
Reporting Officer: Dr. Alexandra “Allie-Kat” Hunter, Historical Anthropologist, Developmental Cultures Specialist
(New Recruit – First Jump)
1. Executive Summary
On 15 January 2026, an anomaly sited by Officer David Jones (Time Police Liaison), on the Time Map indicating an unauthorized pod signature in late seventeenth-century Jamaica, proximate to Port Royal — at that time, the richest and wickedest city in the world.
As the Time Police and St. Mary’s officers and administrators were engaged in High Court proceedings in London regarding John Hensley’s latest series of crimes, St. Mary’s dispatched a field investigation.
This marked my first operational jump.
I completed pod theory, energy calibration coursework, and twelve hours of supervised simulation.
None of these adequately prepared me for pirates.
The operation resulted in:
One illegally modified mini-iron laser beam activated in a burial ground.
Multiple musket discharges by contemporaries.
Significant geological destabilization.
The probable acceleration of the catastrophic earthquake of 7 June 1692.
For clarity and posterity:
This was not my fault.
2. Background
The Time Map anomaly suggested a cloaked pod operating at low power near Port Royal circa June 1692. The signature did not match St. Mary’s or Time Police registration.
Given John Hensley’s established habit of committing crimes while technically elsewhere, suspicion immediately fell upon him.
As a developmental anthropologist recruited from Thirsk University, my focus is adaptive cultural systems — how societies evolve under stress. My assignment was to observe, record, and gain insight into how pods work.
I now have familiarity.
It is unpleasant.
3. Personnel & Equipment
Field Team:
Dr. Allie Hunter (Allie-Kat) – Lead (first jump; attempting composure)
Fitz William– Temporal Engineer
Officer David Jones – Time Police Observer
Equipment:
Standard cloaked pod (controls overly sensitive; dashboard mildly judgmental)
Period garments (linen shift, woolen stockings, regrettable headscarf)
One emergency stabilization beacon (unused; events escalated briskly)
Unexpected Object of Note:
One ornamental turquoise ceramic pineapple.
I would like to state for the record that I am Scottish. Pineapples do not feature prominently in our cultural landscape, nor in my doctoral training.
4. Arrival & Initial Observations
Our pod landed adjacent to the cemetery overlooking Port Royal harbor. A blip on our screen showed the renegade pod signal ten kilometers away. We cloaked our pod. Then Fitz and I made our way into the cemetery.
The air was thick with salt and rum. The city itself was a masterclass in volatile cultural hybridity — sailors, merchants, privateers, enslaved laborers, opportunists. An economy built on velocity and vice. Anthropologically riveting.
I was mid-analysis of maritime trade structures when we observed a tall muscular blond male (Daniel Henley) operating a device before the iron wood mausoleum of the famous pirate Sir Henry Morgan.
Daniel had positioned a mini-iron laser beam in front of the tomb. Daniel later reported the beam device was necessary as Henry Morgan’s tomb comprised of heavier than water iron wood. Axes, saws, or any other cutting device would not dent the pirate’s tomb.
Beside it sat the pineapple.
Glazed turquoise.
At the time, I assumed it was decorative eccentricity.
I was wrong.
5. Escalation
At approximately 09:14 local time, Daniel activated the iron wood laser beam. It sliced cleanly into Morgan’s mausoleum.
Contemporaries Militia converged instantly. Musket fire commenced.
Fitz advanced toward Daniel.
I evaluated the device.
As someone newly trained in pod systems, I recognized instability in the output regulator. I made what I maintain was a responsible decision: redirect the laser beam downward to avoid contemporaries’ harm.
In yoga, I learned grounding techniques during moments of stress. Root through the soles. Engage the breath. Find stability.
The ground, however, was beginning to liquefy.
The laser beam, instead of dispersing, intensified. Gravestones shattered. Soil vitrified.
The vibration deepened beneath my boots.
I distinctly recall thinking that this was not the kind of root chakra activation I had intended.
Daniel and Fitz emerged hauling a wooden chest of dubious authenticity. The militia intensified fire.
Then the pineapple shattered — struck by musket shot.
Inside was a seismic amplifier.
Of course it was.
The amplifier synchronized with the beam.
The tremors escalated from “unfortunate” to “biblical.”
I disengaged the device and initiated retreat protocol, breathing steadily in what I believe was admirable warrior-pose composure under pressure.
Again:
This was not my fault.
6. Geological Consequences
Historical records confirm that on 7 June 1692, Port Royal was devastated by an earthquake and subsidence event.
Our temporal coordinates match precisely.
It is my professional opinion that Daniel Henley’s combination of energy bore and concealed seismic amplifier accelerated tectonic instability already present along the fault line.
The fault line existed.
The amplifier was not mine.
The pineapple was weaponized fruit.
When the harbor shifted and the buildings slowly gave way to the ocean, I felt an intense rush of horror.
7. Extraction & Aftermath
Daniel Henley is now in St. Mary’s custody. The quake destroyed his pod.
Henry Morgan’s Artifact Box 1692-A (contents disappointing) is in St Mary’s custody.
Temporal cross-verification indicates macro-historical continuity remains intact, though the precise onset timing may reflect minor alteration.
The Time Police have now added “ornamental fruit-based seismic triggers” to their prohibited devices list.
I respectfully recommend adding a first-jump advisory titled:
“If It Looks Like Decorative Produce, It Probably Isn’t.”
8. Statements
Daniel Henley:
“My uncle John sent me.” History says Port Royal sank anyway.”
Fitz:
“It was technically the pineapple.”
Dr. Allie Hunter:
“I object to fruit-based sabotage on philosophical and cultural grounds.”
9. Personal Addendum (Unofficial)
I joined St. Mary’s to study how cultures survive upheaval.
On my first jump, I witnessed upheaval firsthand.
The destruction of Port Royal is in historical records.
I remain committed to the work. I remain steady. I remain grounded — though preferably on tectonically stable surfaces.
When the earth began to split and the harbor swallowed its own reflection, I disengaged the iron wood laser beam as swiftly as any mid-thirties Scottish anthropologist in borrowed seventeenth-century linen could. I returned promptly to our designated area. Fritz had Daniel safely secured. Henry Morgan’s treasure chest rested next to Fritz. I hit the return coordinates back to St. Mary’s. The world went white.
For the avoidance of doubt:
This was not my fault.
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It was definitely not your fault.
Cute!