15. ST MARY’S INSTITUTE OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH INCIDENT REPORT
Competition entry by Zain Elizabeth Mackey
The Inadvertent Accessory of An Historical Events
Assignment: Observe and report on the Tsarist Russian autocracy of 1849 and the arrest and mock execution of Fyodor Dostoyevsky and the Petrashevsky Circle.
Submitted by: Tatiania Sassanella, Senior Historian and Mission Commander.
To wit: Our mission to Tsarist Russia was not accomplished and has been rescheduled.
Reason for Non-Successful Mission: Apparently, a strong magnetic storm rerouted our pod to 1849 New York, United States of America instead 1849 Tsarist Russia. Our pod’s navigation and coordinates system was damaged by the storm, and Technician First Class Basil Thorpe immediately began work to remedy our drift error by unplugging the entire console and attempting to correctly plug it back in. Mr Thorpe was unsuccessful, and there appears to be some additional confusion now as to which plugs go where. However, Mr Thorpe assured me that this was a minor issue and that the entire pod was not actually disabled, merely temporarily offline. He requested that the lot of us “clear off” so that he could remedy the situation without “a bunch of nosey idiots bothering me.”
Additional Circumstances: Knowing that idle historians are notoriously unpredictable and possibly dangerous, I led the crew on a reconnaissance mission of the area. It was my hope that we could report our observations of 1849 New York, and perhaps if we were in the vicinity, we could observe the Astor Place Riot, a class riot over Hamlet being too British of all things.
Unfortunately, the group made a beeline into the nearest pub instead. There, in the company of several locals, we spent a surprisingly delightful and convivial afternoon learning about the area and the quaint lives of the inhabitants. We did have a moment of tension with the innkeeper, Mr Jonas, as to the women of our group, but Senior Historian Bert Harrison and I were able to assure him that we were foreigners, not remotely British, from a country where women were allowed in pubs and were not women of dubious reputation. Still, he kept a close eye upon us.
During our sojourn, we discovered we were in the company of Mr Walter Hunt, a well-known inventor of the time. Mr Hunt was both clever, practical and loquacious, the last of which may have been the result of the several tankards of ale he consumed during our discussion. His many inventions were astounding. These included the streetcar gong, the sewing machine, a fountain pen, the repeating rifle, and more.
Regretfully at this point, Junior Historian Kari “Tweety” Partridge, who had clearly overstepped her alcohol consumption limit, began speaking excitedly and loudly with Mr Hunt about his newest idea, the invention the humble safety pin. Before I was able to intercede, Ms Partridge flipped the hem of her skirt and, to my horror, removed a present-day safety pin from her torn hem. I was aghast; however, Mr Hunt was ecstatic and, snatching said pin, ran out the door of the pub. This was not my fault.
Immediately, the entire mob of historians gleefully headed after him. Mr Jonas, our suspicious innkeeper, collared Mr Harrison, demanding payment for the remarkable amount of ale consumed by our group. I left Mr Harrison to settle the bill and headed after the rampant, inebriated historians and rapidly disappearing inventor. (I will take responsibility for the excessive pub bill, although I’m not entirely to blame for its cost. Please bill my account.)
Mr Hunt led us on a goose chase, but eventually Tweety Partridge herself tackled him and demanded he return her pin. After much argument, Mr Hunt did relinquish the pin. However, I believe the innkeeper, still dubious about the reputations of our female historians, called the local constabulary who felt that Ms. Partridge’s position (she had been bouncing up and down astride Mr. Hunt’s chest and demanding loudly that he “give me back my thingy.”) not to mention her obvious intoxication was grounds for arrest for lewd and unbecoming behavior.
Thankfully, Mr Harrison arrived and level-headedly and repeatedly explained to the constables that Ms Partridge was his precocious, high-spirited daughter, and he would see to her punishment for her disgraceful and unladylike behaviour. He and I then proceeded to gather the group together, and we all trudged back to the pod where Mr Thrope was just finishing the final adjustments to the now partially working navigation and coordinates system. I deemed it prudent to return to home base, aborting the mission so that a more detailed inspection and repair of the pod could be instigated.
Alas, Mr Hunt did use the image of Ms Partridge’s safety pin to invent his own similar pin, for which he is indeed recognised and has gone down in history as the inventor. I have written up a disciplinary slip noting Ms Partridge’s gross negligence for having an anachronistic safety pin on her person during the jump. She has since apologised profusely for her behaviour. However, I believe the nasty hangover she experienced and the rigorous exercise routine I required her to complete the next day went a long way to punishing her for her misdeeds.
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