11. ST MARY’S INSTITUTE OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH INCIDENT REPORT
Competition entry by Joy Wright
St Mary’s Institute of Historical Research
Incident Report RB/60–2A
Filed by: Dr Isolde Hume, Department of Roman Britain
Location: Iceni territory, eastern Britannia
Date of Event: Approx. AD 60
Subject: Unauthorised introduction of powered groundskeeping equipment during observation of the Boudiccan uprising
Jump Directive Summary
Jump RB/60–2A was authorised as a brief observational visit to the Iceni uprising under Boudicca. The intention was to verify troop organisation shortly before the destruction of Camulodunum (modern Colchester) and to settle, once and for all, if Tacitus exaggerated the theatricality of the opening moments of the rebellion.
I’m pleased to say that for approximately ten minutes the mission proceeded in an orderly and historically productive fashion. After that, Boudicca briefly took possession of a leaf blower.
This was not my fault.
Background to the Equipment Issue
On the previous Saturday St Mary’s had been hosting its annual summer garden party, which traditionally begins as a polite gathering with light refreshments and ends with a wide variety of outcomes, yet to be categorised due to their extreme diversity. Which is why we always have the garden party at the weekend and allow an extra day to be certain we have entirely recovered our senses.
Cocktails were served. Many cocktails. A number of these were Purple Rains, which appear harmless until approximately the second glass, at which point they become responsible for several unwise decisions. They were followed in some cases by a Sea-Breeze or two, which are deceptively charming and capable of encouraging entirely unsuitable levels of confidence.
Croquet had been arranged on the lawn, which might have remained respectable had someone not decided it lacked spectacle.
In a manner somehow reminiscent of Alice and the Queen of Hearts, two of the grounds maintenance rechargeable leaf blowers were therefore brought out. Their original purpose, clearing stray leaves from the croquet area, was abandoned almost immediately. Instead they were used to propel a collection of inflatable flamingos across the grass in what was described as a “competitive flamingo propulsion exercise”.
The rules of this game appeared to involve: placing flamingos on the croquet lawn, directing powerful gusts of air toward them, shouting encouragement and occasionally diving to intercept competitors attempting sabotage.
The sight of half a dozen historians sprinting across the lawn while bright pink inflatable birds skidded about in unpredictable spirals was, I think, extremely memorable and unfortunately leads me to the next stage of this report.
During a brief and predictable sprinkling of summer rain the leaf blowers taken inside, left beside the jump room door and the competitors went to fetch more drinks.
Arrival
Our team entered the jump room on Monday morning, clear headed and ready for the jump. Our kit had been established early that morning and put inside the pod ready for departure. This included a cloth bag to contain a selection of weapons for trading or limited protection should it be required, but specifically for use to help us blend in should the need arise. When we arrived in Iceni territory we were immediately noticed and our possessions seized.
An Iceni warrior emptied the cloth bag and out came a leaf blower instead of a range of long swords and several pilum spears. He then handed it to a tall woman with red hair. This woman was Boudicca.
Escalation
Boudicca inspected the device with interest. One of the warriors suggested it might be a weapon. Shortly after this Boudicca pressed the trigger and managed to create a rather unseemly situation with one of her guards and his tunic. The reaction from the assembled warriors was immediate and enthusiastic.
The Events As They Occurred
Boudicca experimented toward a nearby group of men and the resulting gust removed one man’s helmet and sent it rolling down a slope which appeared to be greatly appreciated and she took the liberty of divesting them all of their headgear.
She then proceeded to use the blower to scatter ash from a fire, producing a dramatic cloud that drifted across the field like battlefield smoke.
Several men began referring to the device as “the wind spear.”
Recognising that this situation could still become dangerous we made the life preserving decision to withdraw whilst the assembly was distracted, rather than attempt to recover the leaf blower. Our intention, as far as we could discuss at the time, was to allow a second team to attempt recovery in a few days time which possibly the battery had died and perhaps the Warrior Queen might have lost interest.
Upon our immediate departure and return to St Mary’s we discovered that the Iceni continued preparing for the march without further assistance from modern groundskeeping technology. However, there are now a number of ancient art depictions of Boudicca with a round shield and something which looks suspiciously like a leaf blower in her hand, her hair streaming dramatically behind her. Additionally, the statue on the Victoria Embankment in London is now titled Boadicea, Her Majesty of the Wind Spear and her daughters.
For these reasons, I would advise that a secondary team is dispatched to retrieve said leaf redistribution device as soon as possible.
Responsibility
For the avoidance of doubt, this was definitely not my fault, though I should not like to hazard as guess at who might be, given the number of intoxicated residents and guests at St Mary’s. I neither participated in the flamingo race nor introduced the machine intentionally into Roman Britain.
My enquiries at this stage are somewhat impeded by the lack of reliable memory amongst all staff and residents, based primarily on the strength of the cocktails. The alcohol having been provided by the research and development team.
Recommendations
Groundskeeping equipment should not be used as competitive sporting apparatus during staff events.
Inflatable flamingo racing should be banned, particularly when powered by leaf blowers.
Cocktails should not be served to St Mary’s staff. In fact given our history I would recommend St Mary’s becomes a teetotal zone, for the protection and preservation of time itself and everyone’s sanity.
Filed with some weariness.
Dr Isolde Hume
Department of Roman Britain
St Mary’s Institute of Historical Research
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