A minor panic this morning. As opposed to the major panic last Sunday when, it would seem, I accidentally applied to emigrate to Canada.
I was having a bad day and I know we’re not supposed to be political, but let’s face it the lunatic actions of our political leaders worldwide make it very hard not to be. Anyway, something happened – can’t remember what now – and I snapped and decided to go and live in Canada. As you do.
Quite honestly I thought I’d be too old. New Zealand won’t even look at me and I thought Canada would be similar so I filled in a few details, ticked a few boxes, fired it off, felt better and forgot it. The next thing – my phone rang and when I picked it up, the screen said Canada.
Shit! What had I done?
Two possible scenarios. They wanted me – in which case I was in all sorts of trouble and would I have time to pack? Or, they didn’t want me. Hurtful, but I’m a writer and we do rejection really well.
The sensible thing to do would have been to answer it, of course, and solve the mystery, but I did what anyone would have done in those circumstances – I panicked.
And the stupid phone wouldn’t stop ringing. Very determined folk the Canadians. Probably all that snow. It went on and on and on as Canada stretched its tentacles towards me. Did they want me or didn’t they? I’d only find out if I actually answered the thing. Talk about Schrodinger’s Cat. Was it alive or dead? Answer the phone and find out.
As I said, I’m a writer – the proud representative of a bunch of people famed far and wide for being cool, calm and collected in any situation. Who employ rational thought to resolve even the trickiest of situations.
I tried to switch the phone off and couldn’t remember how. And if I did then I’d forget to switch it back on again and people would shout at me.
I did the only thing I could. I shoved it under the cushions on the sofa and piled a whole heap of other stuff on top. It continued to ring for some considerable time until finally – finally – blessed silence as Canada gave up. Or came to its senses. One of the two, anyway.
Sadly, once it shut up, I forgot it. Completely. I simply enjoyed a number of happy phone free days until an email from Hazel this morning requested I ring her asap and I couldn’t find my phone. Hence the panic. And when I did find it, it had no charge so there was a minor, very trifling delay, before I could comply with Hazel’s instructions.
Just for the record, none of my more than adequate explanations were deemed acceptable. Sometimes I think the world gets further and further away from me with every passing day.
I'd have read your next book even if you'd become a Canadian. I have a lot of respect for Canadians. They've repelled, by my count, seven American invasions--or four, depending on how you feel about Fenians--not even counting tourists. Most nations give up and adopt chewing gum, game shows and foreign aid after just one or two.
Smothering your phone with a pillow, though. That's a serious offense in the Information Age, however often I myself have been tempted. My advise would be to plead "not guilty" to digicide, claim the phone struck first, and hope at least one member of the jury receives as much spam in a week as I do.
Good luck,
Robert
I lived in Canada for some years and became a citizen. I now visit yearly. In an effort to stop me returning they changed the rules just before a visit some years ago. If you are a citizen ,despite no longer residing in Canada, you now have to travel there on a Canadian passport. Sadly I did not know this until I was checking in……
A somewhat helpful * booking in man ( I’m sure that is not what was he really known as) said it had happened a lot and I could email the Canadian embassy and renounce my right to live there. Hopefully before the gate closed. Well we tried with emailed forms pinging back and forth. But I missed the flight and was just contemplating how to get my husband to collect me when permission to fly and acceptance of my promise not to invade , or reside, pinged in. I rebooked for next day ( visiting BFFs so no chance I wouldn’t go) and booked into hotel opposite , marched to bar and ordered a large G and T ( 11.00 am)
*Turns out I could have asked for temporary permission to enter without forgoing any rights but oh well. The
So now not sure if my citizenship has been revoked or just my right to live there……
However if a certain Orange Idiot does invade Canada it won’t be a problem because they will all move back here