5. Time Police Writing Competition

Entry by Beth Pipe

Time Police Regulation 847.6

“No crochet or knitting projects, or associated supplies* are to be taken on jumps. There are no exceptions to this rule. This includes items spun (by hand or machine) into a continuous threadlike entity, spooled into a ball, skein, or cake, and otherwise referred to as ‘yarn’.”

Rationale:

Agent Prudence ‘Pru’ McLintock (trainee) misplaced a ball of Superwash Merino yarn, shade Axel Rose, during a recent sanctioned observation of the creation of the Bayeux Tapestry.

She was selected for the mission due to her expertise in all things craft-related and was under the strict supervision of a nameless, oversized agent, not renowned for his crafting knowledge.

In an effort to blend in whilst observing the women at work, Agent McLintock worked on her own project and dropped a stich marker while attempting a tricky half treble decrease (back loop only). Muttering oaths to herself in Old English (side note: this did not draw attention to her in anyway as the language in the room was surprisingly fresh and many new phrases were learned by the team during this mission), she bent down to retrieve the stitch marker and, whilst doing so, a ball of the aforementioned yarn escaped from her project bag and rolled across the floor, coming to rest against the ankle of one of the women working on the tapestry.

Its unique shade immediately caught the eye of the woman, who grabbed it, and while exclaiming that it was ‘hnesce ond wāc (soft & squishy), she had it threaded onto her needle and began embroidering it onto a horses rear flanks, directly beneath the “Harold Rex…” section of the tapestry, before Agent McLintock had chance to retrieve it.

This caused a Temporal Aesthetic Discontinuity (TAD), defined as “Any historical object that suddenly looks like it was made by a maiden with a Pinterest account” and has, needless to say, caused considerable consternation among scholars hoping to learn more about medieval fibres and fabrics.

Other scholars have voiced concerns that if further ‘yarn’ items were to be lost in the timeline, it could escalate into a full-blown Temporal Craft Loop (TCL) with medieval artisans producing an army of amigurumi knights and destabilising the entire 11^th century.

The TP Legislative Committee sat for 5 hours and considered 3 additional points:

1. Does a crochet hook constitute a dangerous weapon? Decision: It depends on the size and generally will only be considered dangerous if wielded with intent by an experienced crafter in need of caffeine.

2. Does ‘yarn’ constitute a biohazard? Decision: Only if it comes from Hobbycraft.

3. Should Agent McLintock have her Ravelry account suspended? Decision: Pending, but it’s not looking good.

*The committee agreed that, for the purposes of this regulation, associated supplies include, but are not limited to the following: hooks, needles, stitch markers, pom pom makers, and any item capable of producing a granny square.

The stitch marker was later retrieved without further incident.

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