3. Time Police Writing Competition

Entry by Carol Malone

Time Police Regulation 847.6

All pods to be thoroughly examined for errant livestock prior to missions,

Pre-jump protocol now includes a 6-point check list which must be rigorously followed on all outbound jumps.

1. 2 mousetraps.

2. 1/4lb of mature cheese.

3. A child’s fishing net and/or bucket to catch errant wildlife.

4. 20 mins visual check of all lockers, cupboards, onboard facilities, nooks & crannies, including behind console panels and under seats, by all 4 officers.

5. Banging of all immovable structures.

6. Jumping up and down plus shouting by all 4 officers.

Mission: To wait at the summit of the Col De La Traversette in the French Alps late October 218 BC to prevent A.P.E (Animal Protection Expeditions) removing the surviving war elephants from Hannibal’s army.

Team 847: Lieu Thomas O’Malley. Officers: Garfield, Binks, and Jinks.

As the exact date of Hannibal reaching the summit of Col de la Traversette and using fire and vinegar to remove the rockfall blocking the route into the Po Valley is not known. Therefore, Team 847 will position themselves overlooking the landslip and wait, inside the pod for the arrival of Hannibal’s army and to watch for A.P.E to make their appearance.

Undercover operations had determined that A.P.E will attempt to remove all surviving elephants prior to the descent from the pass. Hannibal set off with 37 elephants, and it’s not known how many survived the crossing, but only 4 made it to the PO Valley. A.P.E. had initially planned to remove the elephants before Hannibal even reached the Pyrenees, until it was pointed out that if the elephants hadn’t crossed the Alps, history wouldn’t have recorded them, and so they wouldn’t know that there were elephants that needed to be “rescued”- the Time-Travel paradox. Information suggests that whilst the army is stalled dealing with the rockfall, A.P.E. will remove the remaining elephants one by one.

The pod landed as planned and the wait and watch protocol was initiated with 6hrs overlapping watches. It was on the 3^rd watch that the first signs of the issue were noticed. Jinks maintained she could hear faint scratching sounds. For the next 3hrs Jinks and Binks kept listening, taking it in turns to lay on the floor with their ear pressed firmly to the surface, but they heard nothing. During the next 6hr watch Garfield screamed and pointed under the console. We all looked as we had all been woken by his screaming, (he maintains he didn’t scream that he just spoke loudly to get our attention) but we couldn’t see anything. As we were now wide awake, we had an early breakfast and tried to work out how many elephants were left, we thought there were 17-20 elephants in the camp. As it was now the end of Garfield’s watch, he climbed into his bedroll and yet again screamed. He scrambled out of his bedroll followed by a mouse.

It was this mouse that led to the failure of the mission.

Once we had talked Garfield down from the console, we started a thorough and systematic search of the pod. “Jerry”, as it was named by Binks, was spotted on several occasions scooting across the floor and disappearing behind the panels underneath the console.

After 3 hrs of unsuccessful searching, we had a team meeting to discuss next steps. Nipping out to find a cat was vetoed, but perhaps opening the door may have been the best option. Instead, we tried using the high-energy biscuits to lure Jerry out. Jinks spent 2 hrs sat crossed legged on the floor trying to break tiny bits off the bar and all she managed to do was break a fingernail.

Then we unscrewed a console panel and banged on the side to encourage Jerry to leave by the open panel. Perhaps it was a wrong decision on my part to have Garfield at that panel as when Jerry exited the console Garfield screamed again, (yes, you did Garfield), he leapt back and hit his head on the chair and knocked himself out. After cleaning up the blood and bandaging Garfield’s head we decided we need to try and capture Jerry when he next ran across the floor. For the next 5 hrs we each sat in a corner with a Time Police mug at the ready and apart from having to nudge Garfield from time to time to stop him going to sleep, we suspected concussion, we stayed focused on the floor. Jerry made a few appearances, but we were not quick enough, and the mugs were too small to capture him. Someone, Jinks or Binks, suggested using one of our helmets but Jerry managed to wriggle out under the visor. Garfield even tried to sonic Jerry, but he hit Jinks’ backside instead which led, to an unfortunate bladder related incident. Garfield maintains it was his concussion which caused his aim to be off and that he hadn’t meant to hit Jinks on purpose. Bad words were exchanged.

It was suggested by either Jinks or Binks to undo one of the bedrolls and use it to smother Jerry next time he made an appearance. Taking a corner each, we held it taut at waist hight until someone pointed out that if we couldn’t see the floor then we wouldn’t be able to see Jerry. We all sat on the floor again and held the bedroll over our heads. After 10 mins we were flagging, it’s very tiring holding your arms above your head, when Jerry sauntered into the dead middle of the pod. We dropped the bedroll and pounced like hungry lions on an injured gnu; however, we mistimed the attack and all four of us clashed heads. I’m not sure how long we were unconscious, as we had lost all track of time during the quest to apprehend Jerry.

A loud trumpeting sound from outside brought our focus back to the mission and we viewed the monitors. The 17-20 elephants below us in the ravine were milling around in a very agitated state. Jinks thought she could see several non-contemporaries trying to lure the elephants back along the pass. It was at this point we finally opened the door, and Jerry took this opportunity to rush out and down the side of the ravine. He was very agile and headed straight into the pack of pachyderms. They took fright, turned tail, and stampeded straight over the remains of the rockfall and down into the PO Valley. Only 4 elephants remained but that was only because they were firmly tethered to hefty stakes, otherwise I feel that they too would have followed the herd into Italy, well what would become Italy in 2000 years’ time. In the ensuing chaos we lost sight of A.P.E. and I aborted the mission and returned to TPHQ to arrange for a clean-up crew to mount a search and retrieval exercise to round up the missing elephants. This was successful and 18 elephants were found and relocated to Battersea Petting Zoo. Who I believe are non-too happy about the new additions to their menagerie. It appears you can’t really pet an elephant.

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