27. ST MARY’S INSTITUTE OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH INCIDENT REPORT
Competition entry by Beth Pipe
Incident report: Extra Terrestrial Temporal Disturbance 44 Alpha
(AKA Neil Armstrong’s Side Quest)
Filed by: Brent Bakerton, NASA astronaut, currently ‘visiting’ St Mary’s
Status: Alive, confused, and trying to locate that clucking sound…
Executive Summary
During a routine lunar survey mission, I discovered, what I now know to be, a St Mary’s ‘pod’. NASA ordered me to ignore it. I ignored NASA. Events escalated swiftly and my current list of felonies/accomplishments includes:
· Unauthorised integration of temporal technology into a NASA prototype
· Accidental time travel
· Interception of a Protectors of Planet Earth (POPE) mission attempting to prevent impact of Chicxulub asteroid
· An unexpected encounter with Neil Armstrong
· Destruction of a POPE vessel
· Unexpected arrival at St Mary’s
In my defence, I saved humanity, so feel that should count for something.
Also, none of this was my fault.
Discovery of the Temporal ‘Pod’
The events took place during my recent extended moon mission. It was Day 14 and I was scanning the Shackleton Crater for, what felt like, the 100th time, when I noticed a pile of stones that appeared more organised than those around them.
I explored more closely.
It resembled an old stone hut, which was somewhat unexpected.
On venturing inside I noticed a teapot with “Property of St Mary’s – remove it and die” written on the bottom. I carefully replaced it.
On reporting the pod discovery to NASA I was instructed to:
· Lock it down
· Leave it alone
· Just walk away
I did none of those things which, in hindsight, was probably a bad move.
The ‘pod’ hummed like a beehive, plus I was bored – when you’ve seen one Earthrise, you’ve seen them all – so I identified the central temporal box (which carried none of the ‘do not remove’ warnings seen on the teapot) and removed it. My plan was to take it back to my capsule and ‘have a bit of a tinker’.
Integration into Capsule
You know what it’s like on a long mission. There’s no cable TV to while away the evening hours, so the temporal box was a welcome distraction. I decided to conduct my own series of experiments to see if it could be integrated into my capsule. Turns out it could, and all I needed was duct tape (no mission should leave Earth without it), a large hammer, and a sizeable dose of misplaced optimism.
The result was that I now had a spaceship that could also travel through time as well as space. A concept that was high in street cred and, admittedly, low in common sense.
I was on the moon, in a time travelling device, which meant that there really was only one date to aim for: July 20th, 1969. If it helps, think of it less as ‘time travel’ and more as ‘historical research’.
Temporal Displacement Event
Leaping out from behind a rock and shouting ‘surprise!’ was clearly a bad idea, so I hid 50m or so away from the ‘Eagle’ and waited. Eventually Neil Armstrong appeared and, while the others were distracted talking about what a great golf course this place would make, I got his attention and gestured for him to join me.
Clearly, he was suspicious, but my NASA spacesuit helped, as did the large space capsule with NASA written in 4-foot-high letters along the side.
When I bought him aboard, he examined the capsule’s interior, frowned at the duct tape and told me it wasn’t regulation.
I told him that nothing about the situation was regulation, before informing him of just what the capsule could do, and did he want to try?
He did. So, in a way, you could blame him for what happened next.
He wanted to know what the big red button did, and just how far back we could go.
I did not feel qualified to argue.
He pressed it.
Our worlds went white.
Encounter with POPE Vessel
Who knew we could go back 66 million years? We certainly didn’t.
We also didn’t expect to encounter another vessel, but there it was.
We radioed them and they were, needless to say, astonished to see us.
They informed us that they were members of POPE – Protectors of Planet Earth. They described humanity as a disease that was destroying the planet and had, therefore, decided to divert the Chicxulub asteroid to prevent the extinction of the dinosaurs and, by extension, eradicate humanity.
I’ll be honest, that surprised us, as they sounded like the nice sorts of people you might bump into on a trip to the British Museum.
Neil and I regarded each other, realised we needed to do something, and started talking at the same time. A lot was said, but Neil Armstrong screeching “DOES THIS DAMNED THING NOT HAVE ANY MISSILES?!” in my face, particularly sticks in my mind.
We agreed to give the POPE vessel a gentle nudge.
Intervention Attempt
I checked that Mr Armstrong was firmly strapped into the co‑pilot seat (he refused to sit anywhere else), and we approached the POPE vessel.
The ‘nudge’ turned out to be a little stronger than anticipated. Neil said I rammed them “harder than the Kansas City Chief’s Linebacker”, but that feels harsh.
Either way, the collision destabilised both ships. We floated out towards space and watched in alarm as the POPE vessel ricocheted off Chicxulub, sending the asteroid spinning harmlessly away from Earth.
We panicked. If the asteroid never hit the earth, then humanity would never have existed, and we wouldn’t be here trying to save it. This was clearly a time p…
“Please look out the window!” shouted Neil. I did. And we both watched as the POPE vessel, now hopelessly out of control, plummeted down to meet its dinosaur destructing destiny.
Retrieval by St Mary’s
What happened next it somewhat of a blur. I recall a blue temporal field, someone shouting “what the hell have you done with my temporal box?!”, and the faint cluck of a chicken, as I came to, on the floor of what I now know to be St Mary’s.
I had apparently been rescued. Or kidnapped. It really was hard to tell.
A man with a cane stood over me and listed my offences, which apparently included theft of temporal technology, interference with a major historical event, and kidnapping Neil Armstrong.
I informed him that Neil came along quite willingly and enthusiastically. He did not believe me.
Mr Armstrong, meanwhile, was being given tea and biscuits by several historians who appeared utterly starstruck, until they were informed by the man with the cane that it was time to “put him back where he came from before someone misses him.”
Conclusions
I believe that there are five key learning points from this experience:
1. POPE represents a significant temporal threat to Earth.
2. St Mary’s really shouldn’t leave their pods lying around on the moon.
3. NASA needs to review its psych evaluations as they clearly missed my questionable decision making.
4. Neil Armstrong is more adventurous than previously thought.
5. This was not my fault. Well, not all of it, anyway.
Current Status
St Mary’s informs me that I’m “One of them now”. I am unsure if this is a good thing or not.
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