26. ST MARY’S INSTITUTE OF HISTORICAL RESEARCH INCIDENT REPORT
Competition entry by Kimberley Turner
The Fromage Foray
Director,
As requested here is my mission report.
Pod Crew:
Miss Clara Watson - Historian
Miss Jayne Arthur- Historian
Mister Victor Stones - Security
Mister Simon Montford Security
We didn’t mean to steal the Mona Lisa we were going to put it back, I honestly swear. This was not my fault!
Our assignment was to gather intelligence on the 1911 theft of the Mona Lisa from the Musee du Louvre. We were to watch, observe and record our findings to verify the perpetrators. You and the chancellor of the university had wagered a ladies agreement against the outcome of our mission. A vast amount of chocolate bars enough to fill an entire bath was at stake. Not to mention honour of St Marys.
We dutifully set about our research in the historical archives and planed our mission schedule. The jump was scheduled for 3 weeks after our initial briefing.
After a few pints in the bar. It was decided that we would practically test our theoretical hypothesis, solving how the Mona Lisa was stolen and return the painting before Mr Vincenzo Peruggia actually stole it. Thus maintaining St Marys status as top institution by proving he did not ‘stick it up eez jumpa!’ Using a scale replica of the Louvre, with the compliments of the R&D department. We were able to preform some alpha tests. Witnessing the security department portraying the museum staff members, bedecked in Breton shirts and berets was truly an inspiring sight of interdepartmental collaboration.
Our jump to early twentieth century France was spectacularly uneventful and we landed the pod in the correct location 24 hours before the theft. We were hidden in a courtyard near a long corridor that lead to the Salon Carré where the painting was displayed. All we had to do was wait there quietly until the museum closed.
It was during this time that Mr Stones returned from proliferating the museums cafeteria supplies and relieving them of an enormous cheese. One of those smelly round ones with the hard exterior and creamy centre. In fact it was a pretty posh one, wrapped in greaseproof paper and tied up with a piece of fancy green twine. Mr Stones was about to cut into the aforementioned cheese and place it in between two dry squares of white bread. The standard pod issue loaf that nobody ever eats. Miss Watson squealed in terror at the horrific scene! She expressed upon Mister Stones quite vehemently that brie must under no circumstances be eaten without a crispy french baguette. The type that sticks bits to the corners of your mouth and dusts your shirt in an avalanche of crumbs and if at all possible a small drizzle of honey. This was how I found myself on my way to the cafeteria to liberate an artisanal loaf.
It was on our return from the cafeteria, that we accidentally entered the wrong storeroom. There was a surprising amount of doors leading off the corridor. It then transpired that Mr Peruggia had arrived at the museum much earlier than anyone had anticipated, almost 24 hours earlier to be exact, because he was now standing in front of us in the cupboard. Or he would have been if it were not for Mr Stones ninja like security service skills which had rendered Mr Peruggia unconscious on his back, with an avalanche of crumbs dusting his smocked overalls.
‘Impressive’ I said turning to Mr Stones ‘All part of the service’ he grinned. ‘Now grab his legs, Miss Arthur and we will take him back to the pod.’ Nodding as I did so, I grappled with his lower limbs and we dragged him down the hallway. ‘What on earth have you done’ signed Mr Montford. Glaring at me unimpressed with our unexpected guest. ‘This was not my fault! I protested gesturing towards the unconscious figure ‘We were taken unawares by his lurking.’ After a brief historical debate, we agreed to wait for Mr P to regain to consciousness and awaited his accomplices. We waited, watch and observed…. But nothing happened.
‘Oh hell!’ I cried. With an hour to go before the musèe reopened. Right, no one is coming to take it. We had better do it ourselves, just like we practiced. Mr Montfort you stay here in the pod and supervise the cameras. Pod, open the doors please?’
Before long I was nose to nose with that intriguing smirk. I stepped to the side as Miss Watson took the painting off the wall, and we all slowly backed out of the room, before scrambling in to a nearby stairwell. Mr Montford hissed in our ears ‘Hurry up kids! ‘ I rolled my eyes at Miss Watson as we watched Mr Stones remove the small portrait from its frame using a little flat pallet knife he had found on Mr P’s person, when he had searched him back at the pod. He then tucked the painting under the smock overalls he had borrowed from wardrobe. All the staff at the Louvre wore them and those things were extremely roomy with all those fancy folds and pleats. Not very practical for cleaning in but just the thing for hiding a stolen painting underneath.
Miss Watson stood over the console and swiftly entered the co-ordinates to return Mr P to his home town two hours after the theft. ‘Did we really just do that?’ I asked as we bumped knuckles in celebration. ‘Yep, Mr Stones really did just stick it up eez jumpa!‘. Unfortunately we may have missed calculated and we over shot our landing by a year or so. But Director he was honestly fine and breathing, when we left him unconscious, balance up against a wall near the Uffizi museum in Florence. We even rolled up the Mona Lisa, wrapped it in the cheese wrapper and stuffed up his trouser leg as we didn’t want it to get creased.
And that is why we stole the Mona Lisa, why Mr Peruggia went to prison for a crime he didn’t commit and why you lost your bet with the chancellor of the university and now owe her a not insubstantial amount of Chocolate bars.
Yours Faithfully
Miss Arthur, Historian.
CLICK HERE for information on how to enter the competition.