13. Time Police Writing Competition
Entry by Elaine Perkins
TIME POLICE Regulation 847.6
Time Officers will not, by action or inaction, cause coffee to be removed, deleted or erased from the timeline.
Report.
Officers present. Team 323. Lt Bilson, Trainee Officer Potts, Trainee Officer Panns. Both on secondment from the Catering Dept.
Background
Oxford 1650, Anne Green, a housemaid, fell pregnant after being seduced by her employer’s teenage grandson. At 17 weeks she miscarried and delivered a stillborn child. Frightened, she hid the small body but it was discovered and she was charged under the 1624 Act to Prevent the Destroying of Bastard Children. It was presumed she murdered her child. She was sent before the Judge and sentenced to death.
14th December, she was hanged and declared dead. Green was then placed in a ‘surgeon’s coffin’ and sent to Kemp Hall, the home of William Petty, Professor of Anatomy, where her body was to be dissected. When the lid of the coffin was removed, Anne was observed to be breathing and, apparently, made a full recovery. She was pardoned, allowed to keep the coffin and lived for another 10 years.
Mission.
To verify or disprove the story of the death of Anne Green, Oxford 1650. Also, check that no unauthorised or even worse, authorised time travellers had interfered with the incident in any way.
Events leading up to the “Incident”
Trainee officers Potts and Panns were very eager to prove themselves, hoping to be allowed to contribute more to the active side of Time Police operations and the beginning of the jump went without incident. They observed discreetly and quietly checked that no rogue historians had interfered with the hanging of Anne Green.
It was decided that it would be best if we remained in the area to confirm the details of the resurrection of Green the following day. The next morning, Potts remembered seeing a coffee house at the Angel Coaching Inn and was very keen to try out an early type of coffee. She had found out that a penny was required and somehow had managed to “find one on the ground.” Potts left quickly, promising to bring three coffees back and said she would take no time at all and not cause any trouble (her exact words). I am sorry to report this was not the case.
Potts quickly discovered two things of note.
One. Take-out coffee was not a service the coffee house provided.
Two. Women were not allowed in said coffee house.
Potts did say that the riot that occurred was not something she could have foreseen and had tried her best to explain her mistake. She was attempting to leave when the subsequent fire took hold. She maintains it was a complete accident caused by someone pushing her causing her to knock over a table. The lamp falling onto the highly inflammable floor was also an unforeseen incident. Potts went on to say “How was I supposed to know that they used sawdust on the floor and everything was made of wood? Whose stupid idea was it to have everything made of wood when your only source of light was a naked flame”. Potts later realised that more research may have been needed on her part and was very sorry.
When Panns and I heard the screams and saw thick black smoke rising from the coffee house, we immediately ran over to assess the situation and to assist in any way possible. To that end we removed Trainee Officer Potts from the increasing fracas and after dowsing her cloak, returned her to the pod.. Luckily, she was not too badly charred and Potts admitted being on fire was a regular occurrence in her catering experience.
Under Code 9684/d Time Officers are not allowed to interfere with an ongoing situation involving fire, explosives or incendiary devices . So, we had to retire to a safe distance i.e. the pod and allow the fire to burn itself out. This did take quite a few hours. Luckily not too much damage was apparent. However, the Coaching Inn was completely burned to the ground.
Later, Panns and myself continued with the rest of the mission and concluded that the resurrection of Green was unusual, but not caused by interference from any legal or illegal Time Traveller and reported back to base.
Unforseen Historical Impact.
On our return, we received several notes concerning our jump. The Map Master was a bit vexed and The Commander was more irritable than usual and didn’t know why. They both demanded our presence immediately.
Potts decided that a nice cup of coffee would calm The Commander down. She was very confused to discover that “a nice cup of coffee” did not exist. The only hot drinks available were tea and saloop. We decided to visit the Time Map room first.
The Map Master was very concerned, as there had been a major problem emanating from our jump point. We received some very specific instructions.
“The Time Map had had a complete ***** meltdown. Something ***** big has happened and you lot had better go and ****** sort it or else.”
Some research into the timeline showed that the riot and fire at the Angel coaching house had caused a great deal of damage and coffee was seen as a dangerous and potentially deadly beverage. It was banned in all parts of England. Which meant that it had disappeared from the timeline completely.
How it was resolved.
Potts and Panns researched alternative timeline histories and discovered that a coffee house had been opened up in London in 1652 by Pasqua Rosée. from Turkey.
We then returned to London in 1652 and helped Rosée set up his shop and even suggested an advertising handbill to circulate which extolled the benefits of coffee, claiming “It is excellent to prevent and cure the dropsy, gout and scurvy“, as well as scrofula and “a most excellent remedy against the spleen, hypocondriack winds and the like” Coffee was once again established as a healthy and sober drink.
On returning to present, we were relieved to find out that coffee was an established fact and the timeline had reset itself. Also, The Commander was now much less irritable and much more caffeinated.
Final outcome.
The Commander decided that Trainee Officers Potts and Panns should return to their duties in the kitchen until they had learned their lesson and should be happy they are not scrubbing the latrines with their toothbrush.
They both agreed this was very fair and felt they were much better suited to catering. The past was too big, too scary and far too dangerous. They would rather tell all of the Senior Time Officers that they had run out of bacon than ever get back into a pod again.
 | A guest post by
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An excellent story, very much in the spirit of Max and co. Loved it!
This report, penned by the estimable Elaine Perkins, would seem to be another example of what appears to be the phenomenon, 'The St.Mary's Effect', as experienced more and more frequently by the Time Police. This could be defined as the increasing trend of mini-disasters strongly reminiscent of the antics and blunders frequently experienced by the St Mary's Institute of Historical Research.
Could this be due to the continued involvement, intentional or otherwise, with St.Mary's staff over the years, such as the notorious Dr. Madelaine Maxwell? It has also been posited that this supposed phenomenon has also been greatly exacerbated by secondment to the Time Police of certain St.Mary's associates; most recently by Amelia “Mickey” Meiklejohn, notably being the route cause of a number of 'St.Maryseque' incidents since her appointment, could be interpreted as evidence of a rapidly growing trend of 'St.Marysness' within the Time Police. {Let us also not forget young Mathew Farrell's initial almost calamitous contact with the Time Map even before he enlisted in the Time Police}.
Discuss...