• Jodi Taylor - What I’m Reading Right Now

• Jodi Taylor answers - What originally inspired the concept behind The Chronicles of St Mary’s? at Stevenage Library

• Out of Time is a May Kindle Monthly deal - just 99p or 99 cents

• NEW EVENT: The Great Recovery Job Is Coming…

• The Jodiworld Website: Reborn

• Time Police Writing Competition - Regulation 847.6 Has Been Breached read the entries

• April audio clip competition - guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

• Short Story of the Month: The Great St Mary’s Day Out - a chance to discover some of the St Mary’s short stories

  There’s plenty to read this week and you can see everything on the blog too. CLICK HERE for the blog.

The Ending Writes Itself - I was so intrigued by this title and the accompanying blurb. A group of writers are invited to a remote Scottish island by – they think – the world’s most famous author, Arthur Fletch.

On their arrival, however, the excited writers are met with the news that Arthur Fletch died four weeks ago, leaving his hugely anticipated final book only half-completed, and they – the writers – are invited to finish the book. A competition. At stake is a fee of £1 million sterling, plus another £1 million advance on a three-book contract from the world’s leading publishers.

I can’t tell you how I sat up on reading that. Two million pounds! And then made a note to have a word with Hazel and Headline. Well, you never know your luck, do you?

Not surprisingly, each of them – a husband and wife writing team, a horror story writer, a romantic novelist, a Sci-Fi guy, and a YA author- immediately set to work.

Well, wouldn’t you? Two million pounds!

The surprise is that these authors are not themselves famous, well-known, or even particularly successful. They’re what’s known as mid-list. They’re not dreadful, but not leaders in their genre, either. Given it’s the world’s most hotly anticipated last book, you would think Arthur Fletch’s agent and editor – both of whom are managing the contest – could do much better, wouldn’t you?

So why haven’t they?

What is the point of all this?

Sorry, I can’t help you with that because I haven’t finished the book yet – I have to get the Halloween story, Who’s There? – off to Headline this week.

So, obviously, I’m not going to finish the book this week, but I can’t wait to find out what it’s all about. I already have my own theory.

There are mysterious doors and secret passages. The lights go out at just the wrong moment. And someone’s just fallen down the stairs. Complete with a manual typewriter and we all know they’re not light so that’s not going to do her any good at all.

And more good things ahead. Next up on my reading list is Band of Others by MH Foster, the third in the Gentle Apocalypse series. Closely followed by the latest in the Flavia Alba series, There Will be Bodies; T Kingfisher’s Wolf Worm; and Massacre at Market Middling by P J Fitzsimmons.

Oh – and Daggerbound is due in August – the next book in T Kingfisher’s Swordheart series – a favourite of mine. And The Player in the Game – Book 3 of Karen Baugh Menuhin’s Alexander Wolfe series comes out in July.

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed but sometimes there just aren’t enough hours in the day for all the reading we want to do.

Update on the Kitchen Windowsill of Death. It’s carnage here – like an Agatha Christie murder mystery on steroids. I started with twelve lettuces. Two died thirty seconds after I potted them on. One keeled over last week and one is not looking at all well. The bodies are piling up faster than they did in And Then There Were None – and I’m now down to eight. Whether any of them will live long enough to be eaten by me remains to be seen.

Happy Reading!

Jodi x

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Jodi Taylor answers - What originally inspired the concept behind The Chronicles of St Mary’s? recorded at Stevenage Library

Out of Time is a May Kindle Monthly deal - just 99p or 99 cents

The Great Recovery Job

An immersive, interactive heist experience set in the world of Smallhope & Pennyroyal

Event Date: Saturday 19th September 2026
Venue: Leonardo Hotel Cheltenham

Expect intrigue, puzzles, suspicious characters, and a timeline in serious jeopardy…

You will take on the role of Recovery Agents, tasked with retrieving priceless historical artefacts, solving clues, and thwarting a series of audacious thefts. Failure is… not recommended.

And presiding over it all:

Jodi Taylor will be there throughout the event and will be giving an evening reading from Smallhope & Pennyroyal: A Family Affair — with the opportunity to purchase a hardback first edition and have it signed.

Ticket Details - CLICK HERE to buy now

• Price: £60

Your ticket includes:

• Full immersive event experience

• A large and varied buffet (with dietary needs catered for)

• Reading from Jodi Taylor

• Book signing opportunity

• And yes… margaritas are promised

With space for just 150 attendees, this is set to be an intimate, high-energy, gloriously chaotic event.

Buy tickets now

Discounted hotel room rates will also be available ~ booking codes will be sent after ticket purchase.

The Jodiworld Website: Reborn

The site is now live at jodiworld.co.uk, and it’s your new hub for everything Jodiworld 2027 and beyond.

A few important things to know as you step through the portal:

• You will need to create a new login ~ previous logins won’t carry over

• You can toggle between light and dark mode using the widget at the bottom of the page

• The Scarab icon at the top will always return you safely to the Home Page

• The Obelisk icon at the bottom will whisk you neatly back to the top

We’ve designed it to be intuitive, immersive, and just a little bit magical ~ a digital extension of the Jodiworld experience itself.

You can now register your interest for Jodiworld 2027 directly on the site by logging in (with a new login and password).

Memberships for Jodiworld 2027 will be released in late Summer 2026 ~ giving you plenty of time to explore the new site and begin planning your return to the chaos.

Visit the website

CLICK HERE to read the entries

APRIL - GUESS THE BOOK COMPETITION

Guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

Put your knowledge of Jodi’s books to the test with our audio clip competition. Listen carefully to a short extract and see if you can identify the book and the characters speaking for a chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time.

Audiobooks are hugely popular among Jodi Taylor fans, bringing her stories to life through distinctive voices, character-driven performances, and immersive narration. For many readers, audiobooks offer the perfect way to enjoy a favourite series while commuting, walking, or relaxing. They make stories more accessible, flexible, and engaging than ever.

Tune in, trust your ears, and see if you can name the book and the characters behind the voices.

CLICK HERE TO ENTER

The Great St Mary’s Day Out - available in Kindle and Audiobook formats - also included in The Long and Short of It anthology

Astonishingly, Dr Bairstow has declared a holiday. Even more astonishingly – he’s paying for it.

Needless to say, there are strings attached. They have to record the 1601 performance of Hamlet, with Shakespeare himself in the role of the Ghost.

It doesn’t go well, of course. With Dr Bairstow and Mrs Mack turning a simple visit to a street market into a public brawl, Professor Rapson inadvertently stowing away on a vessel bound for the New World, and Shakespeare himself going up in flames, it would seem that Max, of all people, is the only one actually completing the assignment.

Jodi Taylor says…

‘I challenged myself to get the words “Dr Bairstow” and “selfie” in the same

sentence. Challenge accepted!’

Buy now from Bookshop.org - UK USA

From: Head Legal Liaison Officer (HeLL)

To: Commander Time Police (CTP)

Subject: TP Regulation 847.6: Due for Review

A) Regulation

TP Regulation 847.6: No time police officer is to attend a theatre event outside of their chronological time unless the following conditions are met:

847.6 a) Express authorisation has been given by:

i) The Commander Time Police (CTP); or

ii.a) The Head of the Temporal Arts Re-Regulation Team (TART) and

ii.b) The Head of the Vestment, Clothing And Robing Squad (VCARS)

847.6 b) Clean up crews have undertaken a preliminary sweep to ensure the absence of any St Mary’s personnel.

847.6 c) The following documentation is completed and filed at least 30 minutes before the jump:

i) Form 847 – Book Log certifying that all team members have read the script of the performance in full and have passed an AI knowledge check. Responsibility: Team Leader and Pod AI, to be filed with the Head TART

ii) Form 847 – Vestment and Robe Request for period appropriate clothing. Responsibility: Team Leader, to be filed with Head VCAR.

iii) Form 847 – Weapon Control Log evidencing the surrender of all string and sonic weapons. Responsibility: Team Leader, to be filed with the weapons officer on duty in the pod bay.

B) Reason For Review

Regulation 847.6 has not been invoked in the last 10 years. Per HeLL operating procedures it is therefore necessary to consider whether the regulation should:

a) Remain on the Time Police Operating Statutes (TiPOS) as written;

b) Be amended

c) Be removed from the TiPOS

C) Reason for the Regulation

10 years ago Team [redacted] were called to attend the Exeter Theatre, London on [date redacted] to apprehend two time criminals (TC) who had travelled to record a performance of Dr Faustus by Christopher Marlowe.

Team [redacted]’s pod was subject to inexplicable time drift and they landed 30 minutes late. Officer [redacted], the Team Leader (TL) was neck and neck in the lead with the Team Leader of Team [redacted] in an unauthorised but popular ‘most collars’ competition. Officer [redacted], Team Member B (TMB) had studied Dr Faustus for English Literature A Level (Grade E). As a result the team opted to continue the mission instead of returning to TPHQ and calling for a relief team or, alternatively, waiting to apprehend the time criminals on their return to their pod. It should be noted that the Pod AI did attempt to recommend these courses of action but was reprimanded by the TL.*

As a result of the late arrival, Team [redacted] were unable to apprehend the TC before the start of the performance. Officer [redacted] Team Member C (TMC) remained in the pod to pilot the mini drone which was used to identify the location of the time criminals in the audience. The TC were close to the stage, wishing to obtain a positive identification, TMC piloted the drone forward onto the stage. Unfortunately, the silencers stopped working at this time and a low but audible and persistent buzz was noticed by the actors on stage. TMC tried to move the drone out of the way as quickly as possible, moving between Faustus and the Bad Angel before angling back behind the Good Angel and moving above the pit and out of the theatre. This seems to have caused some unrest amongst both the players and the audience.

Meanwhile the TL and TMB moved into the wings, using their cloaks and the stage curtains to hide from the players. Unfortunately, as Mephistopheles was re-entering the stage with his company of devils (Faustus having successfully bequeathed his soul to Lucifer), he tripped and pushed a devil, the devil reached out to steady himself and managed to make contact with the TL. The TL, finding himself under attack and with reflexes honed from years in the Time Police, deployed his sonic. TMB stepped out from her hiding place in order to render assistance and found herself under attack by those players playing Valdes, Cornelius and Wagner. She deployed her string before moving to stand with the TL. At this point, the Team noticed the TC attempting to depart the theatre and moved to intercept them, again deploying both the sonics and the string. The TC were brought to the Pod which, due to the proximity to the theatre, had its invisibility shield activated. Unfortunately, several departing theatre goers noticed the door open and the TM and TC disappear.

The Team and TC returned to TPHQ successfully with no further drift of the pod. Unfortunately, following this mission the CTP received a ‘strongly worded’ message from the Director of St Mary’s Institute of Historical Research (SMIHR) indicating that the players (and audience) had reported the presence of real devils at the play. So realistic was this ‘appearance’ that the players went home to read their bibles instead of congregating at the local pub.

As a result of this incident the incumbent HeLL was charged with the drafting of suitable regulations to be added to the TiPOS to prevent the recurrence of a similar event.

D) Recommendation

While it has not been necessary to invoke this regulation over the last 10 years it is notable that the Head TART has reported an increase in cultural temporal tourism in recent months. HeLL recommendation is, therefore, to retain Regulation 847.6 on the TiPOS subject to a review in 5 years.

* It is not note that in the last three years, both the Pod involved in this incident and several other pods have started to register protests with the Chief Mech when assigned to certain teams. The AI Legal Personality Bill is currently progressing through Parliament and is expected to receive Royal Consent shortly. HeLL is preparing a briefing note on the steps that will need to be taken to enrol the Pod AIs as legal employees and how to manage ongoing tensions between the AI and our Human (or ostensibly human) employees.

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Regulation 847.6

Officers are prohibited from operating any historical technology without having attained either Certificate 847.6/OHT-B, Certificate 847.6/OHT-H or Certificate 847.6/OHT-A

Technology which may be accessed is dependent on level of certification held:

Basic Certificate (Modules 1 to 15) Mandatory for all officers and trainees.

Higher Certificate (Modules 16 to 23) Optional. Available to all on completion of Basic Cert.

Advanced Certificate (Modules 24-30) Available to senior personal only.

Pass Mark 100%

Background to the Implementation of the above Regulation

Team 307 was dispatched to investigate the so-called Millennium Bug.

Officer Hemingway, who stated on his application to the Time Police that he holds an MSc in Computer Science, admits to saying the words ‘Look, it’s running something called Microsoft Works. They wouldn’t call it that if it didn’t, would they?’ He claims not to know how he managed to programme what should have been a civilian computer to government-level access.

Escalation of Incident

1. The Millennium Bug had originally caused issues with nursery-school enrolment invitations to all persons aged 104 and over. Following Officer Hemingway’s interference, these invitations became mandatory enrolment notices. No exceptions were tolerated.

2. No enrolment of 4-year-olds was permitted. An entire generation of children went uneducated, while Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother attended the ‘Little Petals’ playgroup in Windsor.

3. Mrs Trellis of North Wales received a £35,000 fine from her local Blockbuster for renting ‘Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia’ for 100 years.

4. John Smith of Tunbridge Wells discovered he could not access his bank account as records showed he had not been born yet. He was only the first.

5. Cash registers ceased to function leading to widespread and effectively store- sanctioned shoplifting.

6. ATMs refused to dispense cash. Credit and debit cards were routinely declined.

7. Computers locked their users out, meaning no one could put any of this mess right.

8. Transport network ceased to function.

9. Total economic and societal collapse.

10. Officer Hemingway discovered that the educational establishment from which he received his degree in computer science never existed, hence his complete and utter firetrucking incompetence.

Containment, Control and Reset of the Millenium Bug

Officer Hemingway’s complete and utter firetrucking incompetence necessitated the secondment to TPHQ of the entire IT Department of St Mary’s Institute for six months. Officer Hemingway is on report and should count himself lucky that Dr Maxwell does not work for the IT Department, and her presence at TPHQ was not, therefore, required. Otherwise, he would be lucky not to be looking at summary dismissal.

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• Jodi Taylor - Insomnia

• Jodi Taylor Book Recommendation - The White Octopus Hotel by Alexandra Bell

• Out of Time is out in paperback on 23rd April 2026

• Time Police Writing Competition - Regulation 847.6 Has Been Breached read the entries

• April audio clip competition - guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

• Short Story of the Month: The Great St Mary’s Day Out - a chance to discover some of the St Mary’s short stories

  There’s plenty to read this week and you can see everything on the blog too. CLICK HERE for the blog.

I’m accustomed to getting up at two am in the morning because there’s a piece of dialogue running through my brain that I just have to write down. Now. Immediately. Before it all fades away. Because thoughts in my brain have the life expectancy of a frog in a blender. I have to pin them down there and then or they are gone forever.

I’m actually writing this at 2:16 AM on Tuesday the something of April – seriously, do I look like someone who knows what day of the week it is? At least I think it’s Tuesday. It was Monday when I went to bed and I slept for one hour and forty-five minutes and then I spent about an hour thinking about Time Police 7 so yes – Tuesday.

It’s the small hours anyway, there are no lights on anywhere, no traffic, and it’s dead quiet and I’m feeling like the only person in the world.

Insomnia is lonely but at least I put mine to good use. If I ever slept more than three or four hours a day I wouldn’t be half as productive. I keep a pad by the bed and scribble ideas, or doodle, or, when things get really bad – get up and start moving the furniture around.

I don’t mean like a poltergeist or anything – I mean rearranging, I’ll start with a chair and then the coffee table and then another chair – I do have two chairs! – and then rearrange my bookcases, and then fire up my laptop and write up my notes and ideas, toy with the idea of taking up painting again, have another cup of tea, watch the sun come up, and then fall heavily asleep for an hour or so, and wake up feeling dreadful. I’ll have a shower, answer the phone – it doesn’t matter at what time I shower, Hazel invariably calls when I’m in the middle of it. She says it’s a gift. I stare at the damp ring on the carpet, make another cup of tea and get on with the day.

None of that really seems normal, does it?

It’s just that my brain never stops. It actually wakes me up and says, I know how you can get Max out of her latest predicament. You’ll need to rewrite all of Chapter Three and most of Chapter Four, so get cracking.

And I have to do it if I want any sleep at all. I’m writing this in bed, and then I’ll type it up and send it to Hazel because she once told me she keeps her phone by the bed and it will chirp or light up or something and that will be two of us wide awake then.

Maybe not. Seems a bit selfish.

I bought some cheese today. From Stroud. It’s called Three Virgins. The cheese not Stroud. I’ve no idea why it’s called Three Virgins but it’s very nice. My sister-in-law swears by Baron Bigod. An award-winning Brie made by a British company. Me and Gromit – we like Wensleydale – The Prince Among Cheeses.

Yeah – it’s 2.36 in the morning and I’m writing about cheese.

Bloody insomnia.

Jodi x

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PS: very much looking forward to seeing some of you at the event at Stevenage Library next Monday 27th April. There are still a few tickets left if you’d like to come. I will be signing books there too.

Click here for tickets

The White Octopus Hotel by Alexandra Bell💙📚

I’ve just finished this book and don’t quite know how I feel about it which, I think, is good. We should all have a bit of a shake-up every now and then. To close a book and then have to spend some time thinking about it is no bad thing.

The White Octopus Hotel is very nicely written and who doesn’t love a perfect hotel that gives you everything you need – including the appropriate clothes to wear for the day, a comb that actually ‘does’ your hair for you, and the perfect lipstick.

It is not, however, a particularly cosy read and the twin themes of grief and regret entwine the story rather like the octopus tentacles that crop up everywhere.

I came away enchanted, bewildered, and thoughtful. I’d love to hear the views from other people who have read it.

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Buy now on Amazon

“I was intrigued by this one, mostly because I thoroughly enjoyed the books in this series, but the Welsh setting was a clincher that gave me many laughs, as I live in Wales. The author managed to keep the stereotypical characters to a minimum, and the Welsh phrases were just enough detail. I find the ability to write different plot elements and characters and keep them engaging is awesome. If this is the last, then it certainly makes a superb ending.”

Five-star Amazon review

Order from Amazon

Order from Bookshop.org

CLICK HERE to read the entries

It’s time for another fun writing competition. This time we want you to invent the TIME POLICE Regulation 847.6, then write the incident that caused the rule to exist.

Tone: Deadpan bureaucratic logic meets total time-travel disaster.

How It Works

1. Write Regulation 847.6 (overly specific, official sounding).

2. Write the timeline incident that forced the Time Police to create it.

3. Show the chaos escalating logically but absurdly.

Style Guidelines

• Formal report tone

• Ridiculous problem treated seriously

• Increasingly specific details

• Bureaucracy making everything worse

Your Entry Should Include

• A named officer or department

• A time-travel mistake

• Escalation into disaster

• The creation of Regulation 847.6

Recommended length: 400–800 words
Minimum: 200 words
Maximum: 1,200 words

Example Regulation

Regulation 847.6: Officers are prohibited from scheduling overlapping historical revolutions without prior clearance from Administrative Chronology and a completed Form 847.6-C (Revolution Sequencing).

So get your thinking caps on, write your regulation and then a short report explaining why it was created.

The prize will be a £50 gift card from Bookshop.org

Closing date is 30th April and the winner will be chosen by reader poll from 1st - 12th of May with the winner announced in the May 13th newsletter.

CLICK HERE to enter

APRIL - GUESS THE BOOK COMPETITION

Guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

Put your knowledge of Jodi’s books to the test with our audio clip competition. Listen carefully to a short extract and see if you can identify the book and the characters speaking for a chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time.

Audiobooks are hugely popular among Jodi Taylor fans, bringing her stories to life through distinctive voices, character-driven performances, and immersive narration. For many readers, audiobooks offer the perfect way to enjoy a favourite series while commuting, walking, or relaxing. They make stories more accessible, flexible, and engaging than ever.

Tune in, trust your ears, and see if you can name the book and the characters behind the voices.

CLICK HERE TO ENTER

The Great St Mary’s Day Out - available in Kindle and Audiobook formats - also included in The Long and Short of It anthology

Astonishingly, Dr Bairstow has declared a holiday. Even more astonishingly – he’s paying for it.

Needless to say, there are strings attached. They have to record the 1601 performance of Hamlet, with Shakespeare himself in the role of the Ghost.

It doesn’t go well, of course. With Dr Bairstow and Mrs Mack turning a simple visit to a street market into a public brawl, Professor Rapson inadvertently stowing away on a vessel bound for the New World, and Shakespeare himself going up in flames, it would seem that Max, of all people, is the only one actually completing the assignment.

Jodi Taylor says…

‘I challenged myself to get the words “Dr Bairstow” and “selfie” in the same

sentence. Challenge accepted!’

Buy now from Bookshop.org - UK USA

Regulation 847.6

Officers shall not store, transport, or conceal fruit-based beverages^[1] within any item of Time Police uniform, nor combine or substitute such beverages with non-consumable liquids, including (but not limited to) military-grade propulsion fuels^[2]. This prohibition applies irrespective of intent, context, or perceived refreshment value.

See also: Regulation 847.7 ‘On the inadvisability of explaining time travel using live ordnance’.

Rosneath (1942): On the Interaction Between Breakfast Beverages and Naval Ordnance

Officer Reporting: Weaver (The sensible one)

Officer in Charge: Murphy (Not)

Report:

Myself and Officer Murphy were mobilised to identify a potential time slip in Rosneath, Scotland, 1942. Given Major West’s view that this was a ‘small anomaly’, and that Officer Dunn was still in MedCen, we were cleared for a two-man operation. Unfortunately, we were called up halfway through breakfast, which, in hindsight, may have been influential.

We jumped without issue. The first complication arose immediately: what is now the gloriously brutal Rosneath Dockland shopping centre was, in 1942, simply docks. Scans indicated the anomaly was underwater, and at the dock edge we identified a partially surfaced submarine, later confirmed as the USS Barb. With only the conning tower above water, the vessel allowed direct access from the dock. Under cover of darkness, and absent most of the crew (reportedly retired to the USS Beaver, which Officer Murphy maintains is a real vessel, though I remain unconvinced), we boarded. Notably, Officer Murphy objects to the term ‘ship’, insisting on ‘boat’ or ‘submarine’. This is acknowledged and ignored.

We cleared the forward compartments without incident. Upon reaching the aft section and just clearing the motor room, all hell broke loose. Sirens sounded, lights flashed, and it became apparent that a drill had been initiated. With a single point of access and the imminent return of crew, extraction was unfeasible. We therefore swore and hid in the nearest compartment, later identified as the after torpedo room (not, as Officer Murphy has stressed, ‘the rear end’).

Space in the compartment was extremely limited. We wedged ourselves behind several large cylindrical objects, (or ‘big metal tube things’) before realising, with some alarm, they were torpedoes. Concealment was achieved briefly, in that we were not immediately waving at anyone; however a four-man crew entered, sealed the hatch, and turned to find two unexpected visitors attempting to become part of the furniture.

Weapons were drawn on both sides, though this was complicated by the understanding that any discharge of weapons near live torpedoes would likely render Western Scotland significantly more uninhabitable than it already was. A mutual decision was made to avoid inconveniencing the local population further. The situation settled into an uneasy stalemate; the crew informed us a flooding drill was underway and would take some time. At this point I made the mistake of reflecting on our interrupted breakfast.

In what can only be described as a well-intentioned but catastrophically executed attempt at diplomacy, Officer Murphy produced two bottles of what he claimed to be orange juice from his pockets and offered to share. This was not well received. The crew believed we had ‘borrowed’ their torpedo juice. A brief exchange followed regarding ownership of beverages. We reassured them that our bottles originated from our canteen rather than their stores. This improved relations, and the crew proposed we simply mix and share the drinks. Under mild tension, and with what can only be described as heroic optimism driven by a desire to avoid an international incident, the contents were combined without regard for provenance.

Only after consumption was the nature of ‘torpedo juice’ explained. Earlier, during ‘routine maintenance’, the crew had decanted small quantities of torpedo fuel into available containers. This fuel, consisting of approximately 180-proof ethanol used in the torpedo motors, had, with a level of understatement that deserves recognition, been universally referred to as ‘torpedo juice’. The resemblance between these containers and Officer Murphy’s orange juice bottles was, in hindsight, unfortunate.

The result was a hybrid liquid (part citrus beverage, part propulsion fuel) still referred to, with evident pride, as ‘torpedo juice’. At this stage, the situation had progressed beyond what could reasonably be described as breakfast-related. What had begun as refreshment became an unintentional introduction to fruit-based high-proof naval propulsion fluid.

The effects on Officer Murphy were immediate and impressive. Within minutes he progressed from concern regarding the taste to enthusiastic international cooperation, accompanied by declining balance. He repeatedly offered to improve the crew’s weapons systems and, at one point, attempted to explain time travel using a torpedo as a visual aid, which was declined with commendable restraint. His condition deteriorated into determined helpfulness, including an offer to ‘hold the boat steady’, despite the vessel being docked. I instructed him to keep his hands in his pockets and stop interacting with anything, which he interpreted as a cue to provide commentary.

Following the drill, we attempted extraction. This was less a matter of stealth than careful management. Officer Murphy developed a keen interest in ‘having a quick go’ on various equipment, which required firm discouragement. Progress was slow, assisted by most crew being otherwise engaged, and Officer Murphy’s conviction that he was being extremely subtle.

It was at this point that we encountered the submarine Commanding Officer seeking clarification as to why two unidentified individuals had been discovered in his torpedo room sharing beverages and, according to one report, ‘explaining the future using one of the warheads’. The situation was not improved by Officer Murphy greeting him as a ‘fellow senior officer’ and offering what remained of the torpedo juice. This was declined.

A brief exchange followed, during which I attempted to provide an explanation consistent with non-interference protocols. This proved challenging, as the Captain assumed we were either enemy agents, or, in his words, ‘the worst trained inspectors in naval history’. Matters escalated further when Officer Murphy assured him that ‘this sort of thing doesn’t usually happen unless the timeline’s gone a bit wobbly’, which did not achieve a calming effect.

The Captain then made it clear that, should any further ‘agents’ be discovered aboard one of his vessels, he would consider it an act of hostility and would ‘personally ensure that the United States is at war with whoever you belong to, and possibly several other parties as a precaution’.

Time Police guidance on interactions with United States military personnel is extensive and unambiguous, particularly regarding actions that could be construed as acts of war. As such, the presence of two unauthorised agents (one visibly under the influence of torpedo juice and attempting torpedo-related demonstrations) may reasonably be considered suboptimal. I therefore commenced immediate extraction. We exited under cover of darkness, aside from a brief delay while Officer Murphy saluted a dockside bollard.

Upon return to the pod, Officer Murphy was propped against the wall-secured in the co-pilot position, where his contribution to the return jump consisted of enthusiastic encouragement and a projectile redistribution of the ingested torpedo juice across the control interface. The Senior Mech later expressed his views through prolonged silence and a disapproving expression.

It is understood that this incident formed the basis for the introduction of Time Police Regulation 847.6, the necessity of which is, in retrospect, difficult to dispute.

^[1]For the avoidance of doubt, describing a fruit-based beverage as ‘perfectly safe’ does not exempt it from this Regulation.

^[2]Clarification issued following repeated internal queries as to whether dilution with citrus constitutes ‘rendering safe’. It does not.

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Regulation 847.6: The Cutty Butty Contamination

Time Police Division
Department of Temporal Compliance Investigation
Incident Report TP/847.6–J 1388

Filed by: Inspector Nathaniel Hume
Cross-reference: Ongoing issues involving Dr Isabel Hume, St Mary’s Institute (related but not a conflict of interest in this instance, neither officers involved in the event, both investigators post event).
Primary Location: North Yorkshire, close to Rievaulx Abbey c. 1388, one monastery, three dependent villages, regional trade route
Affected Unit: Team 248 Junior Officer Finley Cutty

Regulation 847.6

Officers are prohibited from transporting or consuming seeded bread products or “jam butties” during temporal deployment.
This includes all multigrain, seeded, stoneground, rustic or otherwise “enhanced” loaves containing viable plant material, whether visible or embedded.
Jam-based sandwiches are expressly forbidden due to the additional risk of intact fruit seed dispersal.

Permitted food items are restricted to the following:
Hand cut white bread of reasonable uniform composition
Ham, unseasoned, rough cut and free from visible herb matter
Hard cheese of stable origin
Egg, provided it is fully contained and not loose
Seedless mustard, mayonnaise or pickle, applied in minimal quantities
Butter, where structurally necessary

All permitted items must be consumed before departure or, where an extended deployment is required, must be consumed in the pod. At no point should food enter a live historical environment. Without exception.

Summary of Incident, Geographical and Historical Impact

The event originated with Junior Officer Finley Cutty, who brought his own lunch.
The assignment was not routine. The site had already been flagged for minor inconsistencies following a St Mary’s observation visit. Nothing serious, but enough to warrant Time Police presence in case of escalation. The instruction was to investigate and ensure that St Mary’s had managed to restrain themselves for once.

At 13:22, Officer Cutty consumed half of a jam sandwich or “posh jam buttie” constructed from seeded sourdough and raspberry preserve.
At 13:24, under pressure from troop movement and with limited situational awareness, he discarded the remaining portion.
The discarded portion was seemingly trampled into the ground by this same troop.
The ground, at that point, was already churned by foot traffic, livestock, and early ground work. Conditions were unusually ideal considering this is Northern England. Organic matter was abundant. The livestock had amply fertilised the area, confirmed by the aroma present at the site.
Within ten days, germination had begun. Initial plant growth was not noted. The seeds present included sunflower, flax and multiple intact raspberry seeds. None individually unprecedented in the burgeoning English countryside, but collectively out of place and more importantly, introduced in concentration.
The first escalation occurred when local agricultural workers identified the growth as unusually productive.
The second occurred when a nearby monastery took interest. Morning devotionals were transferred to the area and soon a shrine was built, later yielding archeological finds of a “peculiar” nature.
By the following season, the monastery had incorporated the growth into its gardens, claiming the “miracle” as their own and developing a business system which eclipsed the previous history of failure, becoming regionally and historically significant.

The monastery did not just survive where it was previously wiped out, it thrived. Villages in the area which were historically eradicated flourished. The area became a major trade route, more widely affecting land ownership and the success of the church in that area.
The eventual timeline development as far as we can predict using the Time Map indicates a gradual change until it appears to reach catastrophic proportions, eclipsing London, Birmingham and Manchester and reducing them to unknown villages as Helmsley developed as a central administrative hub, drawing trade, governance and population northwards with unexpected efficiency. North Yorkshire became the primary focus of economic and political activity. There would also be a considerable impact on international and temporal cartography and numerous other escalating changes. This is not consistent with the approved timeline and required immediate intervention.
Prolific use of the Time Map indicates the ripples affecting the whole of the developing country, the discrepancy was formally escalated to the Time Police and was found to unfortunately originate within our own team, a matter which has brought some disgrace upon the unit and Officer Cutty is currently known as “Brought his own buttie, Cutty.” Which may require attention at a later date.

Containment

Containment was complicated by the time involved in growth. St Mary’s submitted an observation note describing the development as “fascinating”. This was not helpful.
The hedgerow system resulting from raspberry spread remains under review due to its unexpected resilience. Officers on retrieval were unable to trace every individual seed in the aforementioned “jam buttie”.

Bureaucratic Outcome

Prior regulations addressed technological contamination but failed to account for food as a delivery system for viable biological material.
A full internal review followed and remains open to adjustment until such a time as the hedgerows are contained.
Initial recommendations included banning all food during deployment. This was rejected after sustained objection from field officers who, it was pointed out, still require basic function.
A revised list of permitted items was agreed after extended debate, particularly regarding jam, preserves and seeded mustard. Regulation 847.6 was drafted, amended, clarified, and issued with immediate effect.
Officer Finley Cutty has been retrained and in the short term is no longer permitted to prepare his own lunch.
Dr Isabel Hume submitted a note stating, “You cannot take a seeded loaf into the fourteenth century and expect nothing to happen.” This has been recorded, though not regarded as an opinion required.
The monastery has been returned to its expected level of influence, largely a site for archaeological students on practice digs from the local university.
This is, officially, an improvement, though hedgerow monitoring remains.

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Regulation 847.6: Officers are prohibited from utilising their uniforms for anything other than strictly Time Police duties; specifically, no parts of the uniform or helmet are to be used in any shape or form to contain, attract, glue, bond, link or attach in any way any food item or beverage of any size. Rip-grip patches are to be used strictly and only to secure Time Police regulation issued weaponry and utilities used in the pursuit of Time Police regulated duties.

Report concerning the introduction of Regulation 847.6 and the circumstances thereof.

Team 247: Officers William, Henderson and Hegley, under the command of Lt Chamberlain

Stated mission:

Team 247 were dispatched to the 20^th century in pursuit of Mr Harvey E Weston who had been travelling the timeline to steal military weapons to sell in markets of the future. The removal of such weapons has, however, affected time in that those who were supposed to have died by such weapons have, in fact, lived on, causing unwanted issues in the timeline.

This was a routine but Priority One Search and Apprehend Exercise.

Mr Weston was reported to be in the vicinity of the Matley Ridge area of the New Forest, in October 1917. At this point in history, there were many servicemen being trained in this area, and Mr Weston’s opportunities for weaponry theft were many and varied.

On researching the matter after the mission, it was also discovered that Matley Ridge in the New Forest was home to a school which trained dogs to work in First World War trenches in carrying messages and assisting with sentry duty etc.. [Note: it might be prudent to advise more thorough research prior to future missions – see Lt North for advice.]

Handling of the mission:

Team 247 successfully apprehended the fugitive on sight, disabled his pod, and secured his person within minutes of discovery.

However, on returning to their own pod, the team were swiftly surrounded by a large pack of dogs intent on preventing their return to Time Police HQ.

The dogs proceeded to attack and delay Officer Hegley particularly. Clawing and biting of trouser legs occurred. Officer Hegley realised that said trousers were unfortunately beginning to leave his body and started to run while pulling on the trousers, despite the dogs baying at his heels. He subsequently fell and appeared unconscious.

After the mission, questions were raised as to why a set of well-disciplined dogs were so keen to attack Team 247, and particularly around their attraction to Officer Hegley. There was also confusion as to why Officer Hegley’s uniform failed to contain his admittedly large but well-muscled legs when such an issue had not occurred previously.

Once recovered from his ordeal, Officer Hegley was able to advise. Unsatisfied with the supply of food and beverages available in Time Police HQ, and finding his appetite challenged, Officer Hegley designed a small snack box with rip-grip material on one side. This enabled him to affix said box to the rip-grip patch on his uniform trousers, a patch normally used to secure Time Police issued weaponry and other useful utilities. The aforementioned box was full of beef jerky, useful for appeasing the appetite of one large Time Police Officer, but also very attractive for a pack of hungry dogs, who, upon exercising their natural olfactory senses, clearly felt all discipline depart in favour of a smelly ready-made snack.

During the frenzied tugging of the snack box by said animals, such was the bond between box and rip-grip patch, that the hitherto well-fitted trousers begin to leave the person of Officer Hegley alongside the snack box. While his uniform failed him, it appeared that Officer Hegley attempted to remove his stun gun so that said dogs could be persuaded to cease their pursuit, but instead found himself tripping and falling to the forest floor. In doing so, his stun gun was triggered and Officer Hegley rendered himself unconscious.

Lt Chamberlain can only be commended for her subsequent actions. Faced with the prospect of the comatose, half-clothed and dog-surrounded Officer Hegley, and realising that the noise would soon be attracting contemporaries to the area, Lt Chamberlain swiftly directed Officer Williams to return with Mr Weston to the Time Police pod. Once there, and with Mr Weston successfully secured within the pod, Officer Williams was to activate the newly installed sonic alarm to dispel said dogs as quickly as possible.

It can be reported that the alarm worked well. The dogs cowered, and Officer Henderson and Lt Chamberlain, despite suffering some minor side-effects from the sonic alarm themselves, were still able to carry Officer Hegley back to the pod. Due to the unconscious state of said officer, they returned to Time Police HQ rapidly where Officer Hegley was successfully treated in the medical bay for mild concussion, minor dog bites, lacerations to the legs , miscellaneous beef jerky related injuries and the effects of being stunned by a Time Police weapon.

Post-mission Issues

Unfortunately, once Officer Hegley had recovered from his ordeal, it was discovered that the snack box had been successfully captured by an intrepid but unknown dog, and the box was therefore unhappily still situated in the wrong century.

Being made of a material unknown in the 20^th century, and desiring to not further affect the timeline, Team 236 was dispatched, armed with sonic weapons, liquid string and dog nets, and after approximately 4.25 hours of search and rescue, were successfully able to locate and return the box to Time Police HQ. The beef jerky had unfortunately been consumed by the dogs so could not be returned to its correct timeline.

However, despite exhaustion, cuts and bruises, some minor dog bites, and having imbibed an unhealthy amount of 20^th century New Forest mud, Team 236 much admired the snack box, as did other observant officers; it became apparent that plans were afoot for many members of the Time Police to adopt the idea and attach similar to rip-grip patches for future snack use.

This new regulation has been created therefore, to prevent any further pollution to the timeline. This will be entered into Time Police Official Regulations, with all normal consequences for said regulation being broken.

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Regulation 847.6

Under no circumstances is any officer, trainee officer, field operative, or member of Team 385 to rescue, adopt, relocate, conceal, feed, comfort, name, transport, or otherwise become involved with any goose, gosling, duck, duckling, swan, cygnet, chicken, or other historically situated avian entity during an active operation to apprehend illegals or correct anomalies in the Timeline without the prior written approval of Animal Containment, Field Operations, Historical Integrity, and Captain Harker. Statements including but not limited to “it was only a baby,” “it would have died,” “it liked me,” and “I only picked it up for a minute” shall not be accepted in mitigation.

Time Police Internal Report

Subject: The Bruges Incident

Filed by: Captain Harker

Unit involved: Team 385

Status: Closed, regrettably

At 11:17 local time, Team 385 deployed to Bruges, 1468, in response to reports of an illegal time traveller operating in the vicinity of the Burgundian court during the marriage celebrations of Charles the Bold and Margaret of York, together with a minor but developing anomaly in the sequence of ceremonial events.

The illegal in question was believed to be using the crowds, processions, and general confusion of the day as cover. Team 385’s orders were simple. Locate the illegal. Identify the anomaly. Correct both. Return without attracting attention.

At 11:19, Officer Grainger removed a gosling from beneath a produce cart.

This was not part of the mission.

When questioned later, Officer Grainger stated that the gosling was trapped, squealing, and in immediate danger of being crushed by a wagon wheel. Officer Dacre stated that this remained none of their business. Officer Murdoch stated that taking hold of one small bird for a few seconds could not possibly compromise the operation.

This assessment was incorrect in every particular.

At 11:20, the parent goose returned.

At 11:21, Officer Grainger, now carrying the gosling, was pursued across the square by a highly motivated adult goose with excellent speed, strong opinions, and no respect whatever for operational discipline. In evading it, she collided with a stall selling devotional trinkets, ribbons, and sugared pastries. This caused noise.

Noise was unhelpful because at 11:21 the illegal, who had until then been under intermittent surveillance by Officer Dacre, looked round, spotted the disturbance, and moved away into the crowd.

At 11:22, Officer Dacre attempted to continue the pursuit while also disentangling Officer Grainger from the goose. He was not successful in either objective.

At 11:23, Officer Murdoch deployed a localised distraction field in order to cover the disruption and buy the team a few seconds. Unfortunately, due either to poor luck, poor timing, or simply Team 385 being Team 385, the field deflected a section of the Burgundian ceremonial procession directly into the affected area.

At 11:24, the illegal took advantage of the diverted guards, crossed a restricted point in the square, and interfered with a sequence already flagged as vulnerable.

This was the anomaly.

The illegal, in attempting to hide behind a ceremonial gift table, pulled at one corner of the cloth. The goose, reacting perhaps to movement and perhaps to simple malice, launched itself in the same direction. The table overturned.

At 11:25, an inkstand was spilled across a seating list.

At 11:26, the blue-and-gold ribbon marking the precedence of the English gift table was detached from the correct item and attached to the wrong one.

At 11:27, a clerk made a hurried amendment to the order of presentation.

At 11:28, two minor officials began a dispute over precedence.

At 11:29, notes were taken.

In the subsequent review, Officer Shaw and I agreed that matters might still have remained recoverable had Officer Murdoch not chosen this moment to shake emergency grain from his pocket while saying, “Here, birdie.”

This attracted not only the original goose but three further geese, several ducks, and one swan. No satisfactory explanation has been provided for the swan. Officer Murdoch maintains that it was already there. Nobody believes him.

By 11:31, the square had become the site of an active pursuit, an unresolved anomaly, one escaping illegal, a compromised ceremony, and a worsening concentration of hostile waterfowl.

At 11:33, Officer Dacre apprehended the illegal.

At 11:33 and several seconds, he discovered he had apprehended a local silk merchant of respectable standing and extremely understandable indignation.

At 11:35, the actual illegal, still at large, took advantage of the ceremonial confusion and made a second adjustment to the order of proceedings, this time creating a survivable but unacceptable branch in which the incident later appeared in three accounts as a deliberate slight by the English party to Burgundian dignity.

At 11:37, Officer Grainger secured the gosling.

At 11:38, the goose secured the table runner.

At 11:39, the swan secured the chapel entrance.

At 11:40, Officer Murdoch secured the square temporally in an effort to prevent further contamination, thereby trapping Team 385, two clerics, five officials, one pastry seller, one eel woman, the wrong prisoner, the actual illegal, and all relevant birds inside a stabilised containment zone.

At 11:42, the actual illegal attempted escape by climbing a statuary plinth and was knocked off it by the swan.

This, unexpectedly, was helpful.

At 11:44, the illegal was finally apprehended.

At 11:45, the anomaly remained uncorrected, because nobody could get near the overturned table without provoking further avian intervention.

At 11:49, Team 385 requested assistance.

At 11:50, I received the request.

At 11:51, I received a second request, marked urgent.

At 11:52, I received a third request consisting solely of the words: “Bring nets. And perhaps a priest.”

I arrived at 11:57 to find Officer Grainger crouched behind an upturned bench holding a gosling wrapped in part of a ducal cloth, Officer Dacre trying to explain the wrongful arrest of a silk merchant, Officer Murdoch defending the tactical logic of grain, and the illegal handcuffed to a decorative pillar and complaining about the swan.

Timeline restoration required the removal of all birds, the reinstatement of the correct seating order, the substitution of one damaged ribbon, the repositioning of two witnesses, the correction of three written references, the release of the silk merchant with compensation, and the suppression of an emerging divergence now retained in sealed records as the Bruges Waterfowl Incident.

The sequence has since been stabilised.

No approved historical account now refers to “the Fowl Insult.”

The review concluded that the primary cause of the incident was not the illegal, nor the anomaly, nor even Officer Murdoch’s indefensible grain-based strategy. The primary cause was Officer Grainger’s persistent inability to see a distressed creature without behaving as if all operational priorities are temporarily suspended.

Regulation 847.6 was therefore enacted with immediate effect.

Officer Grainger objected to the phrase “persistent inability.”

Forms wished to insert the word “pathological.”

I declined on the grounds that we are, at least in principle, a professional organisation.

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TIME POLICE REGULATION 847.6

Regulation 847.6.1: General Prohibition

No (further) officer, operative, historian, civilian, contractor, consultant, observer, enthusiast, or individual “just in the area anyway” shall attend, approach, observe, monitor, or otherwise interact with the Temporal Exclusion Area with coordinates [REDACTED], otherwise designated Jodiworld 2027, including any and all derivative, adjacent, overlapping, or retrospectively reconstructed iterations thereof or timeline forks resulting from Incident DMG-270528-601.

Entry into the TEA is prohibited under all circumstances, including curiosity, nostalgia, or attempts to “just grab something quickly.”

For the avoidance of doubt, this prohibition applies regardless of:

(a) personal interest in the subject matter;

(b) possession of valid tickets, passes, wristbands, or “special access lanyards”;

(c) assertions that “this time will be different.”

Regulation 847.6.2: Dodo-Related Justification Clause

This prohibition is enacted in direct response to the uncontrolled proliferation of Raphus cucullatus (dodos) during Incident DMG-270528-601, including but not limited to:

(a) The unauthorised importation of dodos from pre-extinction environments

(b) The subsequent ingestion of margaritas by said dodos

(c) The emergence of coordinated dodo social structures, factions, and governance systems

(d) The temporary but legally complicated declaration of dodo sovereignty within the convention hotel restaurant

(e) The continued presence of at least one dodo exhibiting a tendency to register for panel discussions

Any assertion that “the dodos have probably been sorted out by now” is formally classified as a Category 3 Misjudgement.

Regulation 847.6.3: Margarita-Related Justification Clause

The prohibition further reflects the demonstrated destabilising effects of margarita consumption within a multi-era convergence event, including:

(a) The exponential increase in margarita production beyond authorised limits

(b) The emergence of multiple, self-originating margarita stations across divergent timelines

(c) The interaction between tequila, citrus compounds, and temporally displaced fauna

(d) The creation of paradox loops involving lime wedges, [REDACTED], salt rims, and [REDACTED]

(e) The statistically significant correlation between margarita availability and the phrase “it’ll be fine”

All margaritas are henceforth classified as Temporal Risk Enhancers (Class B) when in proximity to unstable historical conditions.

Regulation 847.6.4: Escalation and Irreversibility Clause

Officers are reminded that Incident DMG-270528-601 escalated in a logically sequential and entirely preventable manner, as follows:

1. Attendance at Jodiworld 2027 by officers [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and [REDACTED] of the Historical Outreach and Public Engagement department

2. Introduction of “minor experiential enhancements”

3. Presence of margaritas

4. Discovery by contemporary “attendees” of unattended, operational Time Police pod

5. Subsequent presence of [REDACTED], dodos, and [REDACTED]

6. Interaction between dodos and margaritas

7. [REDACTED]

8. Emergence of organised dodo factions

9. [REDACTED]

10. Full narrative collapse

Regulation 847.6.5: Prohibited Rationalisations

The following statements are recognised as precursors to catastrophic failure and shall trigger immediate disciplinary action:

(a) “It’s only a convention.”

(b) “They’re just dodos.”

(c) “We’ll keep an eye on things.”

(d) “What’s the worst that could happen?”

(e) “It’ll be fine.”

Regulation 847.6.6: Enforcement and Penalties

Violation of Regulation 847.6 will result in:

1. Immediate extraction (if possible)

2. Assignment to extended paradox reconciliation duties

3. Mandatory viewing of Incident DMG-270528-601 debrief footage (unedited, including the singing)

Regulation 847.6.7: Prohibition on Mention of What Happened at Jodiworld 2027

What happened during Incident DMG-270528-601 is classified. What caused it is classified. How it escalated is classified. Why the [REDACTED] responded to the [REDACTED] in the manner that they did is [REDACTED] classified. Under no circumstances shall any individual attempt to convince an officer present at Jodiworld 2027 to describe, recount, allude to, summarise, joke about, or “casually mention over drinks” any events occurring at or associated with Incident DMG-270528-601.

This includes, but is not limited to:

(a) Formal reports

(b) Informal debriefs

(c) Written correspondence

(d) Anecdotal storytelling

(e) Marginal notes reading “you had to be there”

Regulation 847.6.8: Final Clarification

Under no circumstances shall any individual attempt to:

(a) “Fix what went wrong”

(b) “Just check whether the dodos are still there”

(c) Attend any panel, keynote, workshop, or spontaneously formed dodo council session

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Time Police Regulation 847.6

“No crochet or knitting projects, or associated supplies* are to be taken on jumps. There are no exceptions to this rule. This includes items spun (by hand or machine) into a continuous threadlike entity, spooled into a ball, skein, or cake, and otherwise referred to as ‘yarn’.”

Rationale:

Agent Prudence ‘Pru’ McLintock (trainee) misplaced a ball of Superwash Merino yarn, shade Axel Rose, during a recent sanctioned observation of the creation of the Bayeux Tapestry.

She was selected for the mission due to her expertise in all things craft-related and was under the strict supervision of a nameless, oversized agent, not renowned for his crafting knowledge.

In an effort to blend in whilst observing the women at work, Agent McLintock worked on her own project and dropped a stich marker while attempting a tricky half treble decrease (back loop only). Muttering oaths to herself in Old English (side note: this did not draw attention to her in anyway as the language in the room was surprisingly fresh and many new phrases were learned by the team during this mission), she bent down to retrieve the stitch marker and, whilst doing so, a ball of the aforementioned yarn escaped from her project bag and rolled across the floor, coming to rest against the ankle of one of the women working on the tapestry.

Its unique shade immediately caught the eye of the woman, who grabbed it, and while exclaiming that it was ‘hnesce ond wāc (soft & squishy), she had it threaded onto her needle and began embroidering it onto a horses rear flanks, directly beneath the “Harold Rex…” section of the tapestry, before Agent McLintock had chance to retrieve it.

This caused a Temporal Aesthetic Discontinuity (TAD), defined as “Any historical object that suddenly looks like it was made by a maiden with a Pinterest account” and has, needless to say, caused considerable consternation among scholars hoping to learn more about medieval fibres and fabrics.

Other scholars have voiced concerns that if further ‘yarn’ items were to be lost in the timeline, it could escalate into a full-blown Temporal Craft Loop (TCL) with medieval artisans producing an army of amigurumi knights and destabilising the entire 11^th century.

The TP Legislative Committee sat for 5 hours and considered 3 additional points:

1. Does a crochet hook constitute a dangerous weapon? Decision: It depends on the size and generally will only be considered dangerous if wielded with intent by an experienced crafter in need of caffeine.

2. Does ‘yarn’ constitute a biohazard? Decision: Only if it comes from Hobbycraft.

3. Should Agent McLintock have her Ravelry account suspended? Decision: Pending, but it’s not looking good.

*The committee agreed that, for the purposes of this regulation, associated supplies include, but are not limited to the following: hooks, needles, stitch markers, pom pom makers, and any item capable of producing a granny square.

The stitch marker was later retrieved without further incident.

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INCIDENT REPORT #11573

TRAINEE FREDRICK SMITHERS

POD 8, UNAUTHRIZED OCCUPATION OF

TO: CAPT. RHONDA ETHERIDGE

FROM: SGT. MILLICENT SMOOT

REF.: PROPOSAL FOR REVISION OF REGULATION 847.6

REASON FOR PROPOSED REVISION: Regulation 847.6 has been breached. The relevant portion of Regulation 847.6 reads as follows: No Time Police employee shall allow any non-uniformed person to enter any ‘Pod’ without supervision.

PROPOSED REVISION: No Time Police employee, commissioned or otherwise, shall at any time, for any reason, send, lead, allow or otherwise permit any unauthorised person to enter a Time Police Pod. As you know, the definition of “unauthorised person” is extensively covered in Regulation 127.8, Sections a) through g), Sub-sections 10, 11, and 142 (revised).

INCIDENT SYNOPSIS:

According to Trainee Fredrick (Freddy) Smithers, he met Daphne (Daffy) Jefferson in a “singles bar” while off-duty, but still dressed in his Time Police uniform. Ms Jefferson expressed admiration for Smither’s appearance, and “one thing led to another.” Ms Jefferson “somehow” developed a belief that Smithers was your “favourite nephew.” She also inexplicably came to believe TP Pods were freely available for Smithers’ use at his discretion. Her admiration and her desire to see a “real Time Police Pod” were extreme, according to Smithers.

Smithers said a few days later, the unfortunate circumstances detailed in Incident Report # 11570 (Title: 16th CENTURY PEASANT RIOT, Subtitle PIG FAECES, THROWING OF) provided him an opportunity to fulfil Ms Jefferson’s wish. Pod 8, which had suffered in the melee, was, of necessity, undergoing disinfection and “airing out.” Smithers contacted Ms Jefferson. Upon her arrival at TPHQ, he drew her into a storage closet and helped her into one of our Maintenance jumpsuits, telling her he wanted her to enjoy an “immersive experience” dressed as a “real Time Police officer.”

Ms Jefferson was appreciative of Smithers’ efforts; she became even more appreciative when Smithers told her he was taking her on a “real Pod ride.” Ms Jefferson’s enthusiasm became somewhat vocal and very demonstrative. Smithers guided her to Pod 8, closed the door, and - despite Ms Jefferson’s initial reaction to the mixed smells of pine cleaner, ammonia, and pig faeces - began amorous activities, which then led Ms Jefferson to attempt to remove her jumpsuit. The suit, as you know, is constructed with a number of buckles, tabs, etc. Ms Jefferson, unfamiliar with the garment, struggled with its removal. Smithers’ offer to assist resulted in both persons leaning against the pod control panel. Smithers swears he has no idea which control(s) was/were pushed. Nonetheless, after several minutes in which his mind was otherwise occupied, he sensed “something had happened.”

Smithers took several extra moments to discourage Ms Jefferson’s efforts, sartorial and otherwise. He then cautiously opened the Pod door and took in his surroundings. When asked why he didn’t activate the outside observation cameras, Smithers replied that he didn’t know how. He could only operate the door because of its large red button marked “Open/Close Door.” Smithers, upon peering about, was encouraged to see the Pod had evidently not travelled in time; it had, however, definitely relocated to the severely sloping roof of what he would later learn was Uncle Temo’s Ravioli and Taco Emporium.

Ms Jefferson, under the impression she was experiencing the promised “ride”, slipped exuberantly past Smithers and immediately tumbled from the Pod, slid down the Emporium roof, and disappeared over the edge. Smithers’ attempt to grab Ms Jefferson as she hurtled past resulted in his loss of balance and a slide down the same roof. He landed in the Emporium’s “skip” atop Ms Jefferson and was immediately covered by a steaming pile of what was later identified as sauce-covered lasagna tacos. Strong words ensued, most spoken by Ms Jefferson. Ms Jefferson then “whacked” Smithers with a, fortunately, empty tomato paste can, leaving him stunned. When he regained his senses, Ms Jefferson was gone. Recovery Team 18 located Smithers, who was attempting to climb from the skip. Both he and Pod 18 were returned to HQ without further incident.

As you know, Ms Jefferson was waiting in your office when Team 18 escorted Smithers into the building. As you also know, she expressed her desire to lodge complaints against the Time Police, Trainee Smithers; you, the maintenance suit manufacturer; and Uncle Temo’s Ravioli and Taco Emporium. A list of her TP-pertinent allegations has been provided to our legal team. Ms Jefferson and Smithers were both interviewed. Part of Ms Jefferson’s interview is transcribed below:

INTERVIEWER: “We have been discussing yesterday’s incident involving yourself and Trainee Fredrick Smithers. Can you briefly tell me what happened?”

JEFFERSON: “That (expletive deleted) sorry excuse for an (expletive deleted) told me (expletive deleted) he could take me on ‘the ride of my life’ inside one of his personal (expletive deleted) Pods. I thought I was going to see Marie Antoinette. All I saw was the inside of a skip behind a (expletive deleted) sleezy Italian restaurant! “

The rest of Ms Jefferson’s interview proceeded along similar lines. A full transcription will be provided by End of Watch today.

The only portion of Smither’s interview not already documented above is as follows:

INTERVIEWER: “ What led you to think you could bring a civilian into a Pod at Time Police Headquarters? You know Regulation 847.6 specifically forbids such actions.”

SMITHERS: “ No, it doesn’t. I read it, and it says ‘non-uniformed person’ who is ‘without supervision.’ I made sure Daffy was wearing a uniform, and I was supervising her the whole time.”

A full transcription of Trainee Smithers’ interview will be provided by End of Watch today.

Submitted for your approval

EC: Time Police Legal Attache

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Time Police Regulation 847.6

All pods to be thoroughly examined for errant livestock prior to missions,

Pre-jump protocol now includes a 6-point check list which must be rigorously followed on all outbound jumps.

1. 2 mousetraps.

2. 1/4lb of mature cheese.

3. A child’s fishing net and/or bucket to catch errant wildlife.

4. 20 mins visual check of all lockers, cupboards, onboard facilities, nooks & crannies, including behind console panels and under seats, by all 4 officers.

5. Banging of all immovable structures.

6. Jumping up and down plus shouting by all 4 officers.

Mission: To wait at the summit of the Col De La Traversette in the French Alps late October 218 BC to prevent A.P.E (Animal Protection Expeditions) removing the surviving war elephants from Hannibal’s army.

Team 847: Lieu Thomas O’Malley. Officers: Garfield, Binks, and Jinks.

As the exact date of Hannibal reaching the summit of Col de la Traversette and using fire and vinegar to remove the rockfall blocking the route into the Po Valley is not known. Therefore, Team 847 will position themselves overlooking the landslip and wait, inside the pod for the arrival of Hannibal’s army and to watch for A.P.E to make their appearance.

Undercover operations had determined that A.P.E will attempt to remove all surviving elephants prior to the descent from the pass. Hannibal set off with 37 elephants, and it’s not known how many survived the crossing, but only 4 made it to the PO Valley. A.P.E. had initially planned to remove the elephants before Hannibal even reached the Pyrenees, until it was pointed out that if the elephants hadn’t crossed the Alps, history wouldn’t have recorded them, and so they wouldn’t know that there were elephants that needed to be “rescued”- the Time-Travel paradox. Information suggests that whilst the army is stalled dealing with the rockfall, A.P.E. will remove the remaining elephants one by one.

The pod landed as planned and the wait and watch protocol was initiated with 6hrs overlapping watches. It was on the 3^rd watch that the first signs of the issue were noticed. Jinks maintained she could hear faint scratching sounds. For the next 3hrs Jinks and Binks kept listening, taking it in turns to lay on the floor with their ear pressed firmly to the surface, but they heard nothing. During the next 6hr watch Garfield screamed and pointed under the console. We all looked as we had all been woken by his screaming, (he maintains he didn’t scream that he just spoke loudly to get our attention) but we couldn’t see anything. As we were now wide awake, we had an early breakfast and tried to work out how many elephants were left, we thought there were 17-20 elephants in the camp. As it was now the end of Garfield’s watch, he climbed into his bedroll and yet again screamed. He scrambled out of his bedroll followed by a mouse.

It was this mouse that led to the failure of the mission.

Once we had talked Garfield down from the console, we started a thorough and systematic search of the pod. “Jerry”, as it was named by Binks, was spotted on several occasions scooting across the floor and disappearing behind the panels underneath the console.

After 3 hrs of unsuccessful searching, we had a team meeting to discuss next steps. Nipping out to find a cat was vetoed, but perhaps opening the door may have been the best option. Instead, we tried using the high-energy biscuits to lure Jerry out. Jinks spent 2 hrs sat crossed legged on the floor trying to break tiny bits off the bar and all she managed to do was break a fingernail.

Then we unscrewed a console panel and banged on the side to encourage Jerry to leave by the open panel. Perhaps it was a wrong decision on my part to have Garfield at that panel as when Jerry exited the console Garfield screamed again, (yes, you did Garfield), he leapt back and hit his head on the chair and knocked himself out. After cleaning up the blood and bandaging Garfield’s head we decided we need to try and capture Jerry when he next ran across the floor. For the next 5 hrs we each sat in a corner with a Time Police mug at the ready and apart from having to nudge Garfield from time to time to stop him going to sleep, we suspected concussion, we stayed focused on the floor. Jerry made a few appearances, but we were not quick enough, and the mugs were too small to capture him. Someone, Jinks or Binks, suggested using one of our helmets but Jerry managed to wriggle out under the visor. Garfield even tried to sonic Jerry, but he hit Jinks’ backside instead which led, to an unfortunate bladder related incident. Garfield maintains it was his concussion which caused his aim to be off and that he hadn’t meant to hit Jinks on purpose. Bad words were exchanged.

It was suggested by either Jinks or Binks to undo one of the bedrolls and use it to smother Jerry next time he made an appearance. Taking a corner each, we held it taut at waist hight until someone pointed out that if we couldn’t see the floor then we wouldn’t be able to see Jerry. We all sat on the floor again and held the bedroll over our heads. After 10 mins we were flagging, it’s very tiring holding your arms above your head, when Jerry sauntered into the dead middle of the pod. We dropped the bedroll and pounced like hungry lions on an injured gnu; however, we mistimed the attack and all four of us clashed heads. I’m not sure how long we were unconscious, as we had lost all track of time during the quest to apprehend Jerry.

A loud trumpeting sound from outside brought our focus back to the mission and we viewed the monitors. The 17-20 elephants below us in the ravine were milling around in a very agitated state. Jinks thought she could see several non-contemporaries trying to lure the elephants back along the pass. It was at this point we finally opened the door, and Jerry took this opportunity to rush out and down the side of the ravine. He was very agile and headed straight into the pack of pachyderms. They took fright, turned tail, and stampeded straight over the remains of the rockfall and down into the PO Valley. Only 4 elephants remained but that was only because they were firmly tethered to hefty stakes, otherwise I feel that they too would have followed the herd into Italy, well what would become Italy in 2000 years’ time. In the ensuing chaos we lost sight of A.P.E. and I aborted the mission and returned to TPHQ to arrange for a clean-up crew to mount a search and retrieval exercise to round up the missing elephants. This was successful and 18 elephants were found and relocated to Battersea Petting Zoo. Who I believe are non-too happy about the new additions to their menagerie. It appears you can’t really pet an elephant.

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Time Police Regulation 847.6. Amendment to Regulation 847.5 – Provision and duties of Canine Support Officer.

Read in conjunction with;

Time Police Regulation 847.1 – Provision of support for officers facing emotional and psychological challenges.

Care plan for Officer Midnight – Canine Department – Role: emotional support.

Supplementary reading matter: The idiot’s guide to keeping a dog.

This Amendment is pertinent to the role of Officer Midnight, and any future canine officers who may be employed by the Time Police in the future. (Linear timeline applies).

Amendment 847.6/1

Officers must respect the dignity of Officer Midnight and acknowledge the role for which the said officer is employed. Please refer to Regulation 847.5 and the Care Plan.

Officer Midnight is the official name of the Canine Support Officer. She should not be referred as;

Officer Anubis

Officer Fang (Clean-up teams)

Fluffy nose, squishy bum (Admin)

Hairy Jack (those idiots at St Mary’s)

Amendment 847.6/2

All human/dog interactions are restricted to the approved areas within the Time Police Headquarters, and to the designated exercise areas without. Refer to Care Plan. Officer Midnight should be accompanied by the official canine handler at all times, or by an officer designated by said handler to accompany Officer Midnight. Officer Midnight should not leave the administration department without permission. Refer to Regulation 847.5 for guidance.

Canine officers are banned from the Time Map room.

An incident occurred because of Officer Midnight’s overwhelming love for the Map Master. The late Bronze Age Collapse nearly became the Early Bronze Age Collapse when Officer Midnight attempted to run across the floor of the Time Map to reach the object of her affection.

Officers are also forbidden from allowing Officer Midnight to travel in the lifts unescorted.

For the safety of Officer Midnight (and possibly the carp), no one should encourage the said Officer Midnight to swim in the Atrium pond.

To take Officer Midnight or any other canines, (in any role), for a jump in a Pod is a serious disciplinary offence that will result in sanctions including docking of pay, a permanent record of offence and possible dismissal.

Unfortunately, there have been several occasions when the said officer was included in a jump. Reasons for taking Officer Midnight in a Pod have included: She needed the exercise, She needed an enrichment activity, and we needed emotional support.

Officer Midnight is provided with an approved exercise and enrichment program by the official canine handler. Please refer to the Care Plan.

Officer Midnight is available by appointment during admin office hours to provide emotional support to any officer who requests it. See Regulation 847.5.

To understand what can go wrong if Officer Midnight is taken on a jump, please read the following extract from a report.

Incident report – Clean Up Crew No.5/jump 25A/date Redacted. Mission perimeters – to support Team Redacted to apprehend the religious artefact thief.

Location: North Lincolnshire countryside, early eighteenth century.

On leaving the pod, we were accompanied by Canine Officer Midnight. There were several hours to wait before we would be needed, and after sitting in the Pod, it was felt Officer Midnight would benefit from a run around. We had forgotten the lead; however, the officer was wearing a red illuminated collar that flashed, so we were confident we would not lose her. It was a moonless night, and very quiet, so we let her out into the churchyard. The officer was very keen and disappeared, but we could see the glow of the collar. After several minutes, the officer began to bark, and then appeared at the Pod, accompanied by two historians from St Mary’s, who asked us if this was our dog.

The historians were rather rude; they explained they had been researching the legend of Hairy Jack, a mythical black dog known to the area, and were rather upset to discover (to quote) “It is just a firetrucking Time Police dog.”

Further investigations into elicit jumps with Officer Midnight have concluded that at least some of the legends of a mythical black dog correlate to places visited by said officer and her red flashing collar. In addition, an incident involving a rubber-chicken dog toy led a medieval village to believe the Devil was removing the bones from their poultry. A Clean Up Crew had to be dispatched to recover said toy.

Amendment 847.6/3

Only the official handler, or persons delegated by said handler, will feed Officer Midnight.

Officer Midnight has a carefully planned diet. Refer to the Care Plan. Labradors have an insatiable appetite and will eat anything offered. It is the responsibility of all staff to help maintain Officer Midnight’s health.

Officer Midnight’s snacks are locked up and can only be accessed after a written request and signing them out at the Administration’s main office. Bringing dog treats into Headquarters is a disciplinary offence and is subject to the regulations on items banned from Time Police Headquarters. See Regulation 657.2

Officer Midnight is not to be fed human food. See Care Plan. Feeding the officer such food would contravene this regulation and result in disciplinary action.

Example: To celebrate the retrieval of the rubber chicken, the Clean Up Crew invited the officer to eat an eclair. This is an unhealthy food for a lactose-intolerant dog. The maintenance team reports that for a Clean Up Crew, they proved very reluctant to deal with the results of said eclair.

This concludes the list of amendments. These amendments are now live and must be referred to along with Regulation 847.5.

As with all regulations, Regulation 847.6 applies to all staff, and as part of their contract must be adhered to.

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Submission by Captain Wells, Time Police - Request to create TIME POLICE Regulation 847.6

Proposed Regulation 847.6

The stated purpose of this regulation is to prohibit all and any travel to Copenhagen and Waterloo between the years 1806 and 1816 for any purpose. Temporal tourism is strictly forbidden, and any attempt to observe or interfere with documented chronological events, without prior written consent, will result in the apprehension and detention of the perpetrator. The minimum penalty for breaching this Regulation is life imprisonment, and, depending on the actions and intentions of the perpetrator, the penalty may be increased to temporary transportation and/or death.

Mitigation – no mitigating factors will be considered.

Trial by jury – no trial by jury will be allowed

Exemptions – no exemptions (not even St Mary’s)

Consultants – the Time Police may use the services of consultants to measure the potential damage caused by a breach of this regulation. Such consultants must have the required expertise and therefore, will include St Mary’s (if absolutely necessary)

Incident Report leading to the requirement for Regulation 847.6

Background

In 1807, the Royal Navy and the Army undertook a joint operation to prevent the powerful Danish fleet from falling into French hands. It ended with the British occupation of Copenhagen and the capture of Danish warships. During this conflict, General Grosvenor rode a horse named Lady Catherine. Lady Catherine delivered a foal in 1808, which was named Copenhagen in honour of the British victory. In 1815, the Duke of Wellington rode to Copenhagen at the Battle of Waterloo, defeating Napoleon in the final battle of the Napoleonic Wars.

Incident

St Mary’s Institute was conducting a study to establish whether there is any truth to the term ‘Waterloo Teeth’, which refers to the alleged custom of harvesting teeth from dead soldiers to sell for dentures.

Upon arrival at the battleground, it immediately became clear something wasn’t quite right – the French appeared to have won. At about this time, at TPHQ, an officer, whilst communing with the Time Map, noticed an anomaly in 1815. All senior staff at TPHQ were away with the senior staff from St Mary’s – team building……..

Under these unusual circumstances, I feel I had no option other than to collaborate with the remaining historians at St Marys in order to resolve the anomaly…honestly, it seemed a good idea at the time!

We jumped to Saturday, 17^th June 1815, the day before the battle, to observe Wellington and his actions. It was immediately noted (by St Mary's, because why would we know anything about horses?) that he was not riding Copenhagen, his much-loved and well-documented Chestnut Arabian-thoroughbred. In fact, his horse seemed to be preoccupied with eating the local fauna and flora and had no interest in moving toward the noise of battle. In fact, at the first sound of cannon, it reared up, unseating Wellington and fled from the field, leaving the Duke lying dead on the ground with a broken neck. Without Wellington, the French would go on to win the Napoleonic Wars, the Battle of Waterloo would never have happened, and Abba wouldn’t have won the Eurovision Song Contest. St Mary's made tea, and we all had a bit of a think.

We decided to jump back to witness Wellington buying Copenhagen in 1813, and well, it just didn’t happen! Wellington took one look at the horse, decided it had ‘bad shoulders’, ate too much and passed on the purchase!

There was quite a crowd at the market, and we noticed a number of people who seemed out of place. Personally, I thought it was the colour printed photos of horses that gave them away, but St Mary’s are adamant it was their clothes - from the wrong period, apparently! We discretely observed them and noticed they kept adding corn to Copenhagen’s feeding trough. Again, according to St. Mary's, Copenhagen was known to particularly enjoy corn, which he usually ate lying down. No wonder Wellington thought him lazy.

At this point, I felt we had observed enough, and action was required. I gave the order to subdue the group of people wearing inappropriate clothing. It seems we missed. I believe it was because St Mary's, distracted by a discussion (well, an argument would be a closer description) about relevant clothing, started pointing at various examples being worn by people in the crowd. The people in the crowd took offence and surged forward. My fellow officers and I were facing the other way, about to deploy our sonics, when we were knocked over (well, nearly trampled underfoot) by the now seething, surging crowd, and so we missed. Unfortunately, Copenhagen must have caught the edge of the blast as he reared up, slipping his tether and charging at St Mary's (who I understand have at best a strained relationship with large equine beasts) and the seething, surging crowd. Wellington, seeing the danger to what he felt were helpless women (if he only knew), jumped in front of Copenhagen, who immediately stopped, lowered his head and gently rubbed his nose on Wellington’s shoulder – even I could see the bond was immediate. The crowd dissipated, leaving only the inappropriately clothed group. We promptly fire again, successfully stunning them. The purchase went ahead, and the timeline was restored.

Therefore, I request the creation of Regulation 847.6 to prevent other groups from trying to restore the French Republic and bring about the downfall of the British Empire (the stated objectives of the inappropriately clothed group).

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I’ve just finished this book and don’t quite know how I feel about it which, I think, is good. We should all have a bit of a shake-up every now and then. To close a book and then have to spend some time thinking about it is no bad thing.

The White Octopus Hotel is very nicely written and who doesn’t love a perfect hotel that gives you everything you need – including the appropriate clothes to wear for the day, a comb that actually ‘does’ your hair for you, and the perfect lipstick.

It is not, however, a particularly cosy read and the twin themes of grief and regret entwine the story rather like the octopus tentacles that crop up everywhere.

I came away enchanted, bewildered, and thoughtful. I’d love to hear the views from other people who have read it.

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• Jodi Taylor - news and reviews

• Jodi Taylor Book Recommendation- The Terror of Tannery Lane by MRC Kasasian

• Out of Time is out in paperback on 23rd April 2026

• New! Time Police Writing Competition - Regulation 847.6 Has Been Breached

• April audio clip competition - guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

• Short Story of the Month: The Great St Mary’s Day Out - a chance to discover some of the St Mary’s short stories

  There’s plenty to read this week and you can see everything on the blog too. CLICK HERE for the blog.

I went to see Project Hail Mary last night (CLICK HERE to watch the trailer). Another staggeringly good book from Andy Weir made into another staggeringly good film. Nothing was as I’d imagined it in my head, especially Rocky and his spaceship. I’d imagined Rocky as more of a giant horseshoe crab, but his spaceship was a hundred times more beautiful than anything I’d imagined.

Even though I knew what would happen, the suspense was still there, and I was as emotionally invested as I was with Matt Damon and his potatoes. Ryan Gosling does a great job, but for me, Rocky was the star of the show

I’m not going to give the plot away just in case there are people who haven’t seen or read it, but I was encouraged to see Andy Weir’s involvement. I think author involvement really makes a difference. I still remember the dreadful attempt at Terry Pratchett’s Night Watch series. You have to admit it takes skill and dedication to make the worst adaptation ever out of some of the best books ever

And finally, something fairly dull but quite important to me. I’m a member of the Society of Authors and they, in conjunction with a few other organisations, have launched a Human Authored scheme. This is a register of books by human authors and is being compiled for those who want the choice of AI-free material.

The register will contain details of books that have no contribution by generative AI. The creativity is all human.

I’m currently in the middle of registering my own books. Even though it’s only for books published after 2020 at the moment, I have to register every ISBN for every format, and it’s taking me a while. Hence, only a short contribution this week.

The good news, however, is that I’ve nearly finished both the Halloween and Christmas short stories, and I’ve been able to pick up St Mary’s 15 again - Well That Could Have Gone Better.

Max is, rather like the author, literally all over the place in this one. Actually, just like the author. On finishing this, my next task is to dispose of the remains of the latest victim of the Kitchen Windowsill of Death. Yes – another formerly perfectly healthy plant has bitten the dust. I’m down to just the baby lettuce now. There were twelve – two are dead, and another one’s looking very dodgy. The casualty list will be updated next week.

Take care and probably best to stay away from my kitchen windowsill.

Jodi x

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PS: Congratulations to Joy Wright, winner of the St Mary’s Incident Report Competition. I read all the entries and really enjoyed them. I hope you will have fun with our next competition - details below.

The Terror of Tannery Lane by MRC Kasasian

MRC Kasasian is on fine form with this latest murder mystery, featuring his latest heroine, Lady Violet Thorn.

Lady Violet is unwillingly involved when she overhears a young woman accuse a sinister married couple of murdering her parents and living in their house. When the police refused to believe this young lady, Lady Violet takes matters into her own hands. Her investigation includes breaking into the house at the dead of night – not standard behaviour for Victorian ladies – and stumbling across some unexpected bodies.

I’ve always enjoyed MRC Kasasian’s books. His first series featured the eccentric Gower Street detective – Sydney Grice – together with his assistant and biographer, March Middleton and are excellent murder mysteries.

Read more...

“I was intrigued by this one, mostly because I thoroughly enjoyed the books in this series, but the Welsh setting was a clincher that gave me many laughs, as I live in Wales. The author managed to keep the stereotypical characters to a minimum, and the Welsh phrases were just enough detail. I find the ability to write different plot elements and characters and keep them engaging is awesome. If this is the last, then it certainly makes a superb ending.”

Five-star Amazon review

Order from Amazon

Order from Bookshop.org

It’s time for another fun writing competition. This time we want you to invent the TIME POLICE Regulation 847.6, then write the incident that caused the rule to exist.

Tone: Deadpan bureaucratic logic meets total time-travel disaster.

How It Works

1. Write Regulation 847.6 (overly specific, official sounding).

2. Write the timeline incident that forced the Time Police to create it.

3. Show the chaos escalating logically but absurdly.

Style Guidelines

• Formal report tone

• Ridiculous problem treated seriously

• Increasingly specific details

• Bureaucracy making everything worse

Your Entry Should Include

• A named officer or department

• A time-travel mistake

• Escalation into disaster

• The creation of Regulation 847.6

Recommended length: 400–800 words
Minimum: 200 words
Maximum: 1,200 words

Example Regulation

Regulation 847.6: Officers are prohibited from scheduling overlapping historical revolutions without prior clearance from Administrative Chronology and a completed Form 847.6-C (Revolution Sequencing).

So get your thinking caps on, write your regulation and then a short report explaining why it was created.

The prize will be a £50 gift card from Bookshop.org

Closing date is 30th April and the winner will be chosen by reader poll from 1st - 12th of May with the winner announced in the May 13th newsletter.

CLICK HERE to enter

APRIL - GUESS THE BOOK COMPETITION

Guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

Put your knowledge of Jodi’s books to the test with our audio clip competition. Listen carefully to a short extract and see if you can identify the book and the characters speaking for a chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time.

Audiobooks are hugely popular among Jodi Taylor fans, bringing her stories to life through distinctive voices, character-driven performances, and immersive narration. For many readers, audiobooks offer the perfect way to enjoy a favourite series while commuting, walking, or relaxing. They make stories more accessible, flexible, and engaging than ever.

Tune in, trust your ears, and see if you can name the book and the characters behind the voices.

CLICK HERE TO ENTER

The Great St Mary’s Day Out - available in Kindle and Audiobook formats - also included in The Long and Short of It anthology

Astonishingly, Dr Bairstow has declared a holiday. Even more astonishingly – he’s paying for it.

Needless to say, there are strings attached. They have to record the 1601 performance of Hamlet, with Shakespeare himself in the role of the Ghost.

It doesn’t go well, of course. With Dr Bairstow and Mrs Mack turning a simple visit to a street market into a public brawl, Professor Rapson inadvertently stowing away on a vessel bound for the New World, and Shakespeare himself going up in flames, it would seem that Max, of all people, is the only one actually completing the assignment.

Jodi Taylor says…

‘I challenged myself to get the words “Dr Bairstow” and “selfie” in the same

sentence. Challenge accepted!’

Buy now from Bookshop.org - UK USA

MRC Kasasian is on fine form with this latest murder mystery, featuring his latest heroine, Lady Violet Thorn.

Lady Violet is unwillingly involved when she overhears a young woman accuse a sinister married couple of murdering her parents and living in their house. When the police refused to believe this young lady, Lady Violet takes matters into her own hands. Her investigation includes breaking into the house at the dead of night – not standard behaviour for Victorian ladies – and stumbling across some unexpected bodies.

I’ve always enjoyed MRC Kasasian’s books. His first series featured the eccentric Gower Street detective – Sydney Grice – together with his assistant and biographer, March Middleton and are excellent murder mysteries.

The second series features Inspector Betty Church, a rare female police officer in the Suffolk town of Sackwater during World War Two.

I think the common theme throughout all his series are the wonderfully eccentric characters – even the secondary ones. No one does bizarre better than MRC Kasasian. Highly recommended, especially if you like characters that aren’t quite … right. Or conventional. Of course, quite a large percentage of them do turn out to be murderers, so … there’s that.

For those who like the feeling of having a series to work through – to say nothing of losing yourself in the blood and gore of these wonderfully melodramatic titles – behold!

Buy now on Amazon

The Gower St Detective series

The Mangle Street Murders

The Curse of the House of Foskett

Death Descends on Saturn Villa

The Secrets of Gaslight Lane

Dark Dawn over Steep House.

The Inspector Betty Church series

Betty Church and the Suffolk Vampire

The Room of the Dead

The Ghost Tree

Lady Violet Thorn

The Horror of Haglin House

The Montford Mania

The Terror of Tannery Lane.

Happy Reading.

Jodi x

Have you enjoyed this book too?

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• Jodi Taylor - The Kitchen Windowsill of Death

• New! Time Police Writing Competition - Regulation 847.6 Has Been Breached

• NEW! April audio clip competition - guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

• NEW! Short Story of the Month: The Great St Mary’s Day Out - a chance to discover some of the St Mary’s short stories

  There’s plenty to read this week and you can see everything on the blog too. CLICK HERE for the blog.

The Kitchen Windowsill of Death.

I don’t know if I’ve actually mentioned the Kitchen Windowsill of Death before – if I haven’t then let me introduce you to the Kitchen Windowsill of Death – the place where plants go to die. There have been battlefields with fewer victims and less carnage than my kitchen window sill. So far, we’ve seen off four cyclamen, two poinsettias – I’ve still got one left – I’m pretty sure it’s dead but it just doesn’t know it yet. Where was I? Yes – together with a couple of basil plants and a clump of supposedly indestructible lemon balm.

The only thing that has ever survived unscathed is a rather pretty purple orchid and that’s only because it’s artificial. I’m expecting it to go down with plastic rot any moment now

Matters came to a head today. I bought a fresh-baked cottage loaf and a big purple daisy plant from the market. Fear not – the fresh-baked cottage loaf is severely depleted but thriving. The plant, however – different story. Thirty minutes after being tenderly unwrapped and set out on the KWOD and told to behave itself, we had major wilting. An hour later we had petal fall. Now, two hours later the leaves have gone limp and any moment now it’s going to pass peacefully into the next world.

It’s not as if conditions on the sill aren’t ideal. It’s a big bay window with glass on three sides so there’s plenty of light. Not a lot of cooking actually takes place – let’s not go there – so the temperature is fairly constant and I’m at a complete loss to explain the massive number of casualties to date. House plants, flowering plants, tomatoes, lettuces, herbs, Christmas plants – it’s just one long, sad, silent promenade of death. My kitchen windowsill is horticulture’s answer to the Bermuda Triangle.

I’m considering a scientific experiment. Two bowls of fruit. Identical bowls – identical fruit. One will be placed on the KWOD and the other in, say, my bedroom, which has the same aspect so the experiment will be fair to both. I think it will be interesting to see which one lingers longest. Or, in another and completely unrelated experiment – how long the fruit will survive without being eaten.

PS – It’s only just occurred to me – suppose, just suppose, it’s not just the windowsill but the whole kitchen that is lethal to life. In which case my reluctance to embark on culinary adventures has probably saved my life. Supposing an average of three meals a day – and setting aside the normal culinary hazards I face on a daily basis – exactly how long would I have lasted? I might have gone the same way as the poinsettias some years ago.

I’ve always maintained cooking is bad for your health and it’s gratifying to be proved right.

Jodi x

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It’s time for another fun writing competition. This time we want you to invent the TIME POLICE Regulation 847.6, then write the incident that caused the rule to exist.

Tone: Deadpan bureaucratic logic meets total time-travel disaster.

How It Works

1. Write Regulation 847.6 (overly specific, official sounding).

2. Write the timeline incident that forced the Time Police to create it.

3. Show the chaos escalating logically but absurdly.

Style Guidelines

• Formal report tone

• Ridiculous problem treated seriously

• Increasingly specific details

• Bureaucracy making everything worse

Your Entry Should Include

• A named officer or department

• A time-travel mistake

• Escalation into disaster

• The creation of Regulation 847.6

Recommended length: 400–800 words
Minimum: 200 words
Maximum: 1,200 words

Example Regulation

Regulation 847.6: Officers are prohibited from scheduling overlapping historical revolutions without prior clearance from Administrative Chronology and a completed Form 847.6-C (Revolution Sequencing).

So get your thinking caps on, write your regulation and then a short report explaining why it was created.

The prize will be a £50 gift card from Bookshop.org

Closing date is 30th April and the winner will be chosen by reader poll from 1st - 12th of May with the winner announced in the May 13th newsletter.

CLICK HERE to enter

APRIL - GUESS THE BOOK COMPETITION

Guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

Put your knowledge of Jodi’s books to the test with our audio clip competition. Listen carefully to a short extract and see if you can identify the book and the characters speaking for a chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time.

Audiobooks are hugely popular among Jodi Taylor fans, bringing her stories to life through distinctive voices, character-driven performances, and immersive narration. For many readers, audiobooks offer the perfect way to enjoy a favourite series while commuting, walking, or relaxing. They make stories more accessible, flexible, and engaging than ever.

Tune in, trust your ears, and see if you can name the book and the characters behind the voices.

CLICK HERE TO ENTER

The Great St Mary’s Day Out - available in Kindle and Audiobook formats - also included in The Long and Short of It anthology

Astonishingly, Dr Bairstow has declared a holiday. Even more astonishingly – he’s paying for it.

Needless to say, there are strings attached. They have to record the 1601 performance of Hamlet, with Shakespeare himself in the role of the Ghost.

It doesn’t go well, of course. With Dr Bairstow and Mrs Mack turning a simple visit to a street market into a public brawl, Professor Rapson inadvertently stowing away on a vessel bound for the New World, and Shakespeare himself going up in flames, it would seem that Max, of all people, is the only one actually completing the assignment.

Jodi Taylor says…

‘I challenged myself to get the words “Dr Bairstow” and “selfie” in the same

sentence. Challenge accepted!’

Buy now from Bookshop.org - UK USA

It’s time for another fun writing competition. This time we want you to invent the TIME POLICE Regulation 847.6, then write the incident that caused the rule to exist.

Tone: Deadpan bureaucratic logic meets total time-travel disaster.

How It Works

1. Write Regulation 847.6 (overly specific, official sounding).

2. Write the timeline incident that forced the Time Police to create it.

3. Show the chaos escalating logically but absurdly.

Style Guidelines

• Formal report tone

• Ridiculous problem treated seriously

• Increasingly specific details

• Bureaucracy making everything worse

Your Entry Should Include

• A named officer or department

• A time-travel mistake

• Escalation into disaster

• The creation of Regulation 847.6

Recommended length: 400–800 words
Minimum: 200 words
Maximum: 1,200 words

Example Regulation

Regulation 847.6: Officers are prohibited from scheduling overlapping historical revolutions without prior clearance from Administrative Chronology and a completed Form 847.6-C (Revolution Sequencing).

---

So get your thinking caps on, write your regulation and then a short report explaining why it was created.

The prize will be a £50 gift card from Bookshop.org

Closing date is 30th April and the winner will be chosen by reader poll from 1st - 12th of May with the winner announced in the May 13th newsletter.

CLICK HERE to enter

• Jodi Taylor - The Bucket List

• The Sands of Time anthology has raised £1452.22 for Scope

• Free short story - The Coo of Warning

• The St Mary’s Incident Report Competition - ta dah! the winner is Joy Wright with Boudicca’s Breeze

• NEW! April audio clip competition - guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

• NEW! Short Story of the Month: The Great St Mary’s Day Out - a chance to discover some of the St Mary’s short stories

  There’s plenty to read this week and you can see everything on the blog too. CLICK HERE for the blog.

The Bucket List

I was in the post office today, sending off a truly colossal box, jam-packed full of chocolate eggs. For my two granddaughters. Trust me, there was enough chocolate in that box to guarantee a sugar rush that will last until next Christmas and beyond. How their parents will love me. I think it’s fair to say I won’t be winning the Granny of the year 2026. Again. Nor last year’s either. Apparently, my nomination must have been lost in the post

It was while staring vacantly around the post office, I was impressed by the range of their merchandise these days. I’ve grown accustomed to stationary supplies, writing implements and so forth. And when they branched out into greetings cards, yes, I could see how that was related, but now we have packets of garden seeds - fruit and veg

You can just imagine the scene, can’t you? To be read in a broad Yorkshire accent. ‘Now then, Edna, I’m just off down t’ post office for me brassica seeds.’

And alongside the seeds – perfume! What? There’s even a large notice inviting customers to try before they buy. Leading to the next stage of the conversation, ‘All right James – and while you’re buying your brassicas at the post office can you bring me back some Chanel No 5. Or Opium, if they’ve got some in this week.’

Madness, I tell you. Madness.

Anyway joining the queue, I found myself alongside the greetings card spinner and I noticed a card where two elderly ladies were discussing their Bucket List

I don’t have a Bucket List. I am entirely without a desire to climb Everest, plant a tree, sing at the Albert Hall, cook a meal from which people can walk away afterwards, meet the Dalai Lama, sail the Atlantic in a bucket – you name it, I have absolutely no desire to do it.

And then I had a brilliant idea – I wouldn’t have a Bucket List – I’d have a Phucket List (spelling adjusted so as not to cause offence.) I would make a list of all the things I definitely didn’t want to do and had no intention ever of doing. Ever.

Jodi’s Phucket List.

Housework – I do housework twice a year. The longest day and the shortest day, because I feel very strongly that my house should be clean for Christmas.

Cooking – well, that’s not going to surprise anyone. Cooking seems such a waste of microwaves and easy to open packets.

Drive – there was a family intervention. Apparently, I’m hurting the ones who love me.

Read Thomas Hardy – Yeah, not a chance.

Eat/drink cabbage/garlic/milky tea – Yuk.

Sunbathe – Four minutes and I look like an overcooked tomato.

Respect our leaders – Nope, never going to happen. Not in a million, zillion years. A bunch of inept half-wits whose talents are in no way commensurate with the size of their egos.

Travel – I get carsick, seasick, air sick and train sick. I only need bicycle sick and that’s a full house. I wonder if you can get walking sick – which brings me neatly to my next phucket.

Exercise – my doctor said I should walk for half an hour a day, minimum. I told him my flat is very small and no matter how slowly I walk from my bedroom to my living room it’s not going to take me thirty minutes to get there. I think, he thinks, I live in Blenheim palace.

Grow old gracefully – Yeah, fat chance. My great Aunty Dolly lived in a residential home and every afternoon they gathered around the TV to watch the horse-racing. With a couple of bottles. They had an account with the local bookie and once a week someone went in to settle up. That’s my idea of residential care.

So there we are. I only composed that list twenty minutes ago and look – I’ve ticked off all of them already. For a guaranteed sense of achievement, why not compile your very own Phucket List?

Jodi x

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Many thanks to everyone who has purchased The Sands of Time anthology which contains the winning entries from the David Sands writing competition.

So far the book has raised £1452.22 for Scope - here is their message of thanks:

How your donation helps

This year, over 3 million disabled people will turn to Scope for support. It is because of the generous gifts from people like you that we can continue to provide practical and emotional support, through our Helpline, employment support services, family services and Disability Energy Support, making sure that we are there whenever someone needs us.

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Click here to read The Coo of Warning

The winner is….

Thank you so much to everyone who contributed and voted in this competition - it was great fun and there were some excellent entries.

The winner is Joy Wright and they have won a £50 gift card from Bookshop.org

CLICK HERE to enjoy Joy’s winning entry - Boudicca's Breeze

Watch out for a new competition next week.

APRIL - GUESS THE BOOK COMPETITION

Guess the book and characters speaking for your chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time

Put your knowledge of Jodi’s books to the test with our audio clip competition. Listen carefully to a short extract and see if you can identify the book and the characters speaking for a chance to win a signed copy of Out of Time.

Audiobooks are hugely popular among Jodi Taylor fans, bringing her stories to life through distinctive voices, character-driven performances, and immersive narration. For many readers, audiobooks offer the perfect way to enjoy a favourite series while commuting, walking, or relaxing. They make stories more accessible, flexible, and engaging than ever.

Tune in, trust your ears, and see if you can name the book and the characters behind the voices.

CLICK HERE TO ENTER

The Great St Mary’s Day Out - available in Kindle and Audiobook formats - also included in The Long and Short of It anthology

Astonishingly, Dr Bairstow has declared a holiday. Even more astonishingly – he’s paying for it.

Needless to say, there are strings attached. They have to record the 1601 performance of Hamlet, with Shakespeare himself in the role of the Ghost.

It doesn’t go well, of course. With Dr Bairstow and Mrs Mack turning a simple visit to a street market into a public brawl, Professor Rapson inadvertently stowing away on a vessel bound for the New World, and Shakespeare himself going up in flames, it would seem that Max, of all people, is the only one actually completing the assignment.

Jodi Taylor says…

‘I challenged myself to get the words “Dr Bairstow” and “selfie” in the same

sentence. Challenge accepted!’

Buy now from Bookshop.org - UK USA